# PRIME MINISTER ANNOUNCES PLAN TO REPLACE CIVIL SERVANTS WITH MACHINES THAT RESPOND “COMPUTER SAYS NO”
WHITEHALL ON SUICIDE WATCH AS STARMER DECLARES “EVEN A TOASTER COULD DO YOUR JOB”
In a move that has government employees updating their LinkedIn profiles faster than you can say “redundancy package,” Prime Minister Keir Starmer announced today that artificial intelligence should replace civil servants wherever possible, because apparently even a mildly sophisticated calculator could handle most of Whitehall’s workload.
COMPUTERS DON’T TAKE TWO-HOUR LUNCH BREAKS
The Prime Minister unveiled his revolutionary plan to digitize government operations, promising “billions in savings” by replacing human workers with silicon-based thinking rectangles that don’t require pensions, bathroom breaks, or passive-aggressive notes about refrigerator etiquette.
“We’ve conducted extensive studies,” Starmer told reporters while awkwardly attempting to look like a man who understands technology, “and discovered that 87% of civil service work involves sighing, drinking tea, and saying ‘that’s not my department’ in slightly different tones of voice.”
UNIONS RESPOND WITH SHOCK, HORROR, AND COMPLETELY PREDICTABLE OUTRAGE
Union representatives have reacted with what experts describe as “the least surprising f@#king response in human history,” warning the Prime Minister to stop blaming government inefficiency on civil servants.
“This is an outrageous attack on hardworking bureaucrats,” fumed Pamela Paperwork, head of the Public and Commercial Services Union. “Who else will spend six months processing a simple form correction? Who will maintain our proud tradition of inexplicable delays? Has the Prime Minister considered the catastrophic efficiency this could unleash?”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, SORT OF
Dr. Obvious Truth, professor of Digital Inevitability at the University of Common Sense, explained the advantages: “Computers don’t take sick days when there’s good weather, don’t organize office birthday collections, and most importantly, don’t have feelings to hurt when you tell them their work is completely useless.”
Meanwhile, Professor Calculated Risk from the Institute of What Could Possibly Go Wrong noted potential concerns: “Sure, there’s a 98.2% chance this ends with automated systems refusing to process benefits because someone sneezed during the face recognition scan, but think of all the money we’ll save on office chair replacement costs!”
DIGITAL REVOLUTION OR DIGITAL REVOLT?
The government’s new “digital mantra” apparently consists of the phrase “if it can be done by a machine that doesn’t complain about the office thermostat, let’s do that instead,” repeated three times while facing in the direction of Silicon Valley.
Early trials of the AI civil servant program have shown promising results, with the machines capable of losing important documents, providing contradictory information, and generating incomprehensible jargon at speeds up to 400% faster than their human counterparts.
WHAT’S NEXT FOR DISPLACED CIVIL SERVANTS?
The government has assured soon-to-be-former employees that comprehensive retraining programs will be available, offering exciting new career opportunities in fields such as “explaining to elderly relatives why the government website isn’t working” and “turning it off and on again.”
In a final statement that absolutely nobody found ominous whatsoever, Starmer concluded: “This is just the beginning. Once we perfect the technology for replacing people who push papers, we’ll move on to replacing people who make decisions. And wouldn’t that be better for everyone?”
At press time, the first AI civil servant had already filed a stress leave request after being asked to explain the UK tax code.
