LAWYERS CAUGHT USING AI TO MAKE UP COMPLETE BULLSH!T LAWS THAT DON’T EXIST; BAR COUNCIL SHOCKED ATTORNEYS WOULD EVER LIE
In what legal experts are calling “the least surprising f@#king development since discovering politicians take bribes,” British lawyers have been caught using artificial intelligence to completely fabricate case law, legal precedents, and probably their billing hours too.
JUSTICE SYSTEM DISCOVERS LAWYERS MIGHT BE DISHONEST
The High Court of England and Wales expressed its absolute astonishment this week that members of the legal profession, known historically for their unflinching honesty and reasonable fees, would dare use silicon-based thinking rectangles to make up fake court cases that never happened.
Dame Victoria Sharp issued what courtroom observers described as a “no sh!t, Sherlock” judgment, stating: “We are deeply concerned that lawyers, who have only been lying to clients for the past seven centuries, would suddenly start lying to the court using fancy computer programs.”
The Bar Council and Law Society responded with performative outrage, releasing a joint statement: “We are shocked, SHOCKED to discover that members of our profession would use technology to more efficiently do what they’ve been doing manually for generations: making stuff up to win cases.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON OBVIOUS CRISIS
Professor Hugh Jassol of the Institute for Stating the Bloody Obvious noted, “Turns out when you give professional liars access to sophisticated bullsh!t generators, they generate more sophisticated bullsh!t. A truly stunning revelation.”
According to a completely made-up study we just generated, 94.7% of all legal arguments were already fabricated nonsense before AI came along, but now they’re fabricated nonsense with perfect grammar and impressive-sounding Latin phrases.
“The real problem isn’t the hallucinated case law,” explained Dr. Sue Yerpants, ethical technology researcher. “It’s that the AI doesn’t know how to add six hours of billable time for a 20-minute phone call. Lawyers still have to do that manually.”
PUBLIC CONFIDENCE IN LEGAL SYSTEM SOMEHOW GETS EVEN LOWER
Despite already having the public confidence rating of a hungry crocodile at a swimming lesson, the legal profession has somehow managed to further diminish its reputation.
Lawrence Akka KC, writing with a straight face, claimed “the public is entitled to the highest standards of integrity” from lawyers, causing at least three proofreaders to be hospitalized for laughter-induced injuries.
Local citizen Mabel Thompson, 63, responded: “Highest standards of integrity? From lawyers? I’ve met more honest carnival barkers selling miracle cures.”
TECHNOLOGY SOLUTIONS PROPOSED
The courts are now considering technological countermeasures, including an AI system that can detect AI-generated legal arguments. This system, currently code-named “No Sh!t 3000,” works by applying a simple rule: if it sounds reasonable and doesn’t charge £500 per hour, it was probably written by a machine.
In the meantime, the judiciary has implemented a temporary solution requiring all barristers to end their arguments with “and I swear on my obscenely expensive education that I didn’t make any of this up,” while making direct eye contact with the judge.
At press time, seventeen law firms were already working on circumventing these new rules using an even newer algorithm called “LiarGPT Plus Platinum Esquire Edition.”
