EXPERTS REVEAL ‘SLEEPLESS SWEATY NIGHTS’ OBSESSING OVER AI OVERLORDS AND FLORIDA MAN WITH ADMIN PRIVILEGES
By Wryly Sarcastic, AI Antics Staff Psychologist
Thousands of socially awkward tech professionals converged last week to confirm everyone’s worst fears about technology while consuming dangerous levels of caffeine and pretending to understand each other’s obscure jokes, reports indicate.
PANIC ATTACKS IN NATURAL HABITAT
At Black Hat 25, a gathering where cyber experts showcase their crippling anxiety disorders disguised as professional concerns, attendees took turns describing their medication regimens and night terrors to TechnologyAdvice’s Matt Gonzales, who reportedly nodded sympathetically while secretly wondering if he should just become a bartender instead.
“What keeps me up at night? Literally everything,” confessed Dr. Para Noid, Chief Insomnia Officer at CyberScreams Inc. “I haven’t slept since 2007 when I realized my toaster might be collecting my breakfast preferences.”
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE OR GENUINELY STUPID HUMANS?
The number one concern among experts was artificial intelligence, which 97% of attendees described as “definitely going to kill us all” while simultaneously programming it to be even more powerful.
“We’re basically creating digital entities that can think a million times faster than us, have access to all human knowledge, and we’re hoping they’ll be cool about it,” explained Professor Doom E. Scenario of the Institute for Obviously Bad Ideas. “It’s like giving a teenager nuclear launch codes and saying ‘be responsible’ while you go on vacation.”
When asked about safeguards, most experts laughed until they cried, then just cried.
DEEPFAKES: BECAUSE REALITY WASN’T CONFUSING ENOUGH
Coming in second on the “oh sh!t we’re f@#ked” list were deepfakes, the technology allowing anyone with a laptop and moderate skills to make it look like your grandmother is doing parkour or the President is reciting the lyrics to “WAP.”
“By 2025, approximately 73% of all online content will be fake, 26% will be cat videos, and the remaining 1% will be actual information that nobody believes anyway,” claimed Dr. Cassandra Truth, who has been screaming into the void about this issue for years.
HUMAN ERROR: THE ORIGINAL SECURITY FLAW
Despite billions spent on security systems sophisticated enough to detect a hacker’s heartbeat from orbit, experts admitted the biggest threat remains Gary from accounting who uses “password123” and clicks on every attachment promising free cruises.
“We’ve created impenetrable fortresses with state-of-the-art defense mechanisms that can be completely bypassed because someone wanted to see which Disney princess they are,” sighed Security Architect Maya Xistential-Crisis. “Approximately 89% of breaches happen because humans are, technically speaking, complete f@#king morons.”
One security professional, who requested anonymity but wore a name tag reading “DAVE,” revealed that most companies could be compromised by “a reasonably intelligent golden retriever with a LinkedIn profile and basic typing skills.”
THE SOLUTION? THERE ISN’T ONE
When pressed for solutions to these existential technological threats, experts proposed varying degrees of “we’re totally screwed” wrapped in technical jargon.
“The most effective cybersecurity strategy is to move to a remote cabin in Montana, grow your own food, and communicate exclusively via carrier pigeon,” recommended Dr. Off T. Grid, author of “Just Throw Your Phone Into The Sea Already.”
As the conference concluded, attendees purchased the latest security products they just spent three days explaining would be completely useless against future threats, then returned to their hotel rooms to frantically check if their smart toilets were uploading their bowel movements to the cloud.
At press time, sources confirmed 94% of the cyber experts were sleeping with their laptops under their pillows, not for security reasons, but because they literally couldn’t bear to be separated from them for eight consecutive hours.
