SIXTH TOE CATASTROPHE: LABOR VICTORY PROMISES GENETIC MUTATIONS, EXPERTS WARN
In a shocking revelation that’s sending ripples through Australia’s political landscape, the Liberal Party has unveiled irrefutable evidence that a Labor victory in the upcoming election will result in widespread genetic mutations, beginning with EXTRA TOES.
DIGITAL PROPAGANDA TAKES A BIZARRE TURN
The Liberal Party’s cutting-edge TikTok campaign has exposed the horrifying truth about what awaits Australians under a Labor government: f@#king FOOT DEFORMITIES. The video, which features an alarming close-up of a six-toed foot, serves as a chilling premonition of Australia’s dystopian future if voters make the catastrophic mistake of choosing Labor.
“This isn’t just political scaremongering, this is scientific fact,” claims Dr. Toegan Nightmare, the Liberal Party’s chief podiatric forecaster. “Our algorithms predict that within six months of a Labor victory, 87% of Australian children will develop additional digits, starting with the feet.”
MUTATION EXPERTS SOUND THE ALARM
Professor Polly Dactyl from the Institute of Fabricated Medical Conditions explains the phenomenon: “It’s quite simple. Labor’s policies on climate change and economic reform create the perfect storm for DNA restructuring. The human body literally sprouts extra appendages to cope with the stress of higher taxes.”
The video has already garnered over 420,069 views, with thousands of concerned parents checking their children’s feet daily for signs of spontaneous toe generation.
LABOR’S WEAK RESPONSE
Labor’s pathetic attempt to counter this damning evidence consists merely of “politicians talking into cameras” and “actual policy discussions,” further proving they have no real answer to the toe crisis they’re about to unleash.
“They want to distract you with talk about healthcare and education while your feet are turning into something from a sh!t sci-fi movie,” says Liberal spokesperson Emma Footlong. “Wake up, Australia!”
MINERALS COUNCIL JOINS THE FIGHT
The Minerals Council, already running a campaign explaining how nuclear power plants actually improve property values and serve as excellent first-date locations, has joined forces with the Liberals.
“Coal miners have the strongest, most normal-toed feet in Australia,” claims the Council’s latest advertisement. “Coincidence? We f@#king think not.”
PRO-MUTATION CONSPIRACY UNCOVERED
Inside sources reveal that Labor’s merchandise store will soon feature “toe-friendly” sandals with six separate toe compartments, essentially confirming their mutant agenda.
This shocking development comes as polls show 72% of Australians can’t actually count their own toes without removing their socks, making the population particularly vulnerable to this insidious threat.
When reached for comment, Labor campaign director Norm Alltoes suspiciously deflected: “This is absolutely ridiculous. We’re trying to have a serious discussion about Australia’s future.” EXACTLY WHAT SOMEONE WITH A SECRET TOE AGENDA WOULD SAY.
Meanwhile, independent candidate Dr. Faye Kpolicy from the newly formed “Liberals for Independents” group called the toe campaign “a new low,” before mysteriously disappearing into a shoe store.
As election day approaches, Australians must ask themselves one crucial question: are you ready to wake up with an extra toe? Because that’s the goddamn nightmare that awaits if Labor takes power. You’ve been warned.
