SIRI FINALLY GETTING BRAIN TRANSPLANT AS APPLE FORMS “ANSWERS TEAM” TO COMPETE WITH GOOGLE’S ACTUAL USEFUL SH!T
In what experts are calling “way too f@#king late,” Apple has finally acknowledged that Siri is dumber than a bag of particularly stupid hammers by forming a new “Answers, Knowledge and Information” team tasked with creating chatbots that might actually know something.
DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR DESPERATE MEASURES
After years of watching users scream “GOD D@MNIT SIRI I SAID CALL MOM NOT PLAY BON JOVI” the Cupertino-based tech giant is finally admitting that its digital assistant has the intellectual capacity of lukewarm pudding. The new team, whose acronym spells “AKI” because apparently Apple ran out of meaningless two-letter combinations, aims to develop ChatGPT-like products that can perform the miraculous feat of actually searching the internet for answers.
“This is truly revolutionary stuff,” said Dr. Obvious Statement, leading technology analyst at No Sh!t Consulting. “Apple has boldly discovered in 2023 what Google figured out approximately two decades ago: people want answers when they ask questions. Simply astonishing innovation.”
THE SEARCH FOR RELEVANCE
Sources close to the matter reveal that Apple executives were shocked to discover that when people asked Siri questions like “What’s the capital of Mongolia?” they actually wanted the correct answer rather than “Here’s what I found on the web about mongrels.”
The company has reportedly invested over $420 million in the project after internal studies showed that 97.3% of iPhone users would rather ask a nearby houseplant for information than consult Siri.
“We’ve been carefully studying how people use their devices,” said Ima Late, Apple’s Senior Vice President of Obvious Trends. “It turns out people prefer technology that understands what they’re saying and provides useful responses. Who could have possibly predicted this?”
SILICON VALLEY SHAKEN TO ITS CORE
Industry insiders report Google executives nearly choked on their kombucha when hearing the news. “They’re doing what now?” asked one source who requested anonymity because they weren’t authorized to state the f@#king obvious. “Next you’ll tell me Apple discovered people like phones that don’t run out of battery by lunchtime.”
Professor Hugh Jassle of the Institute for Belated Innovation notes that Apple’s strategy is particularly brilliant: “Wait until everyone else has figured something out, then act like you invented it. Works every time. Just wait until 2025 when they’ll revolutionize the industry by announcing they’ve invented the folding phone.”
THE RACE TO MEDIOCRITY
Apple engineers are reportedly working around the clock to ensure their chatbot can at least match the capabilities of a reasonably intelligent golden retriever by next year’s launch date.
“Our goal is to develop a digital assistant that can answer at least 60% of questions without making users want to throw their $1,200 phones into the nearest body of water,” said an Apple spokesperson who requested anonymity because they were embarrassed to be associated with the project.
Market research indicates that 86% of current Siri users would consider it a massive upgrade if the assistant could simply respond “I don’t know” instead of opening the Safari browser to a random Wikipedia article about Lithuanian folk dancing when asked about nearby restaurants.
As the project moves forward, Apple fans worldwide are reportedly excited about the prospect of finally having an AI assistant that performs at the level of technology that was available during the Obama administration.
