SIRI GETS AI BRAIN TRANSPLANT WHILE APPLE EXECS PRETEND IT’S NOT A COMPLETE F@#KING EMBARRASSMENT
Silicon Valley Giant Desperately Tries to Make Talking Phone Lady Actually Useful for Once
Apple announced plans to “rebuild” Siri with artificial intelligence at its core, carefully avoiding admitting they’ve been selling a glorified timer that occasionally mishears you and calls your ex for the past decade.
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE FACE
After watching competitors race past them with chatbots that can solve complex problems, Apple executives have finally acknowledged their digital assistant has the intellectual capacity of a concussed goldfish. The company plans to distance Siri from their upcoming “Apple Intelligence” suite, presumably because attaching Siri’s name to anything intelligent would create a paradox that could tear the space-time continuum.
“We’re completely revamping Siri from the ground up,” said Apple spokesperson Cathy Denial. “But this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that our current version can’t tell the difference between ‘Call Mom’ and ‘Buy seventeen pounds of organic kumquats on Amazon.'”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN
“Apple is essentially admitting they’ve been serving us technological stone soup for years,” said Dr. Obvious Hindsight, Director of the Institute for Things Everyone Already Knew. “It’s like watching someone try to fix a horse-drawn carriage by finally acknowledging that cars exist.”
Industry analyst Professor Sara Kazzum put it more bluntly: “They’re basically putting lipstick on a pig, except the pig is already wearing last season’s lipstick and everyone’s pretending not to notice it can’t do basic math.”
STRATEGIC CORPORATE BULLS#!T
Sources close to the company reveal Apple will implement a two-phase strategy: first, quietly rebuild their embarrassingly outdated assistant, and second, pretend this was the plan all along. Internal documents reportedly show executives used the phrase “retroactive innovation” with completely straight faces during planning meetings.
The rebuild comes after Apple realized that 97.3% of Siri usage consists of people asking it to set timers while their hands are covered in raw chicken juice, according to completely fabricated statistics that feel true anyway.
COMPETITORS LAUGH THEIR DIGITAL ASSES OFF
Meanwhile, Google and Microsoft executives reportedly had to mute themselves during video calls to hide their uncontrollable laughter when discussing Apple’s AI strategy.
“It’s like watching your rich friend show up to a car race with a tricycle and a serious expression,” said one anonymous tech executive. “And then announcing they’re going to add a bell to the tricycle and act like that fixes everything.”
At press time, Apple engineers were reportedly struggling to teach Siri the difference between “text my wife” and “expose my entire search history on the family TV during Thanksgiving dinner,” a problem that has plagued users since the assistant’s inception.
In a statement that wasn’t immediately denied by Apple, CEO Tim Cook allegedly whispered “Oh God, we’re so f@#king behind” into what he thought was a turned-off microphone during a recent board meeting, perfectly summing up the company’s current AI situation.
