SCIENCE FINALLY SIMULATES WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU BURY YOUR TOXIC SH!T UNDER A MOUNTAIN
In a breakthrough that absolutely nobody asked for but we’re all going to pretend to care about, scientists have successfully created a computer model that predicts how nuclear waste will interact with underground barriers over thousands of years, which is coincidentally how long it’ll take Congress to actually approve a permanent disposal site.
NERDS IN LAB COATS CELEBRATE WHILE RADIOACTIVE BARRELS PILE UP IN PARKING LOTS
MIT researchers, along with scientists who clearly don’t get invited to cool parties, have developed a sophisticated model that perfectly simulates what happens when you stuff glowing death-juice under a Swiss mountain. The groundbreaking software, which sounds like a rejected Star Wars droid name “CrunchODiTi,” can now predict with stunning accuracy exactly how f@#ked our great-great-great-great-grandchildren will be.
“We’re just thrilled to bits about this,” said Dr. Dauren Sarsenbayev, who presumably hasn’t seen daylight in seven years. “Our computer simulation perfectly matches the experimental results from the Mont Terri research site, which means we’re one step closer to convincing people it’s totally fine to bury radioactive garbage under their homes.”
CLAY: THE UNDERWHELMING HERO NOBODY EXPECTED
The star of this radioactive show is apparently Opalinus clay, a thick, water-tight claystone that scientists are treating like it’s the hottest celebrity at the nuclear waste prom. This unassuming dirt has been hanging out in tunnels under a Swiss mountain since 1996, quietly absorbing radiation while researchers watch it like the world’s most boring reality show.
“Clay is sexy as hell,” explained fictional waste management expert Professor Rad E. Ation. “It’s negatively charged, which means it attracts positively charged ions like a divorced dad attracts bad life choices. Our previous models completely ignored these electrostatic effects, which is like trying to understand dating while ignoring the existence of alcohol.”
SCIENTISTS CELEBRATE 13-YEAR EXPERIMENT THAT COULD HAVE BEEN A TEENAGER BY NOW
The researchers examined an experiment that’s been running for 13 years, which means it’s almost old enough to be disappointed by its first relationship. They focused on a 1-centimeter “skin” between the radioactive materials and the cement-clay barrier, which is apparently the nuclear waste equivalent of the friend zone.
“This skin is absolutely fascinating,” said imaginary researcher Dr. Claire Stone, while staring intensely at what appeared to be ordinary dirt. “Over time, it develops mineral precipitation and porosity clogging, which is science-speak for ‘nature builds its own tiny wall’ to keep radioactive particles from going wherever the f@#k they want.”
COMPUTER SAYS NUCLEAR WASTE WON’T KILL US ALL, PROBABLY
The new model, which runs on high-performance computers working in parallel because apparently one supercomputer wasn’t nerdy enough, successfully predicted how radionuclides would interact with clay over time scales ranging from “your Amazon delivery” to “the heat death of the universe.”
According to completely fabricated statistics, the model is 97.3% more accurate than previous attempts and uses approximately 14.2 million “degrees of freedom,” which sounds impressive until you realize nobody outside this research team knows what the hell that means.
AMERICA STILL CAN’T DECIDE WHERE TO PUT ITS GLOWING GARBAGE
While other countries move forward with nuclear waste disposal plans, the United States continues its decades-long tradition of absolutely not dealing with the problem. The only proposed long-term repository has been stalled indefinitely, leaving nuclear waste to pile up at temporary storage facilities across the country like dishes in a college student’s sink.
“This research is crucial for tackling climate change and ensuring energy security,” said Assistant Professor Haruko Wainwright, clearly unaware that Americans would rather argue about wind turbines killing birds than make an actual decision about nuclear waste.
At press time, the research team was reportedly celebrating their success by planning more simulations while their actual nuclear waste continues sitting in cooling pools and temporary containers because that’s definitely a sustainable long-term solution and not at all a ticking time bomb that future generations will curse us for.
Remember folks, according to 100% of scientists we just made up, burying our problems underground always works out perfectly in the end!
