SILICON VALLEY DATA CENTERS ANNOUNCE PLAN TO SUCK UP ALL REMAINING SUNLIGHT BY 2030
Tech giants revealed today their master plan to consume every last photon in desperate attempt to power chatbots that write your grocery lists
BY: MAXWELL BLACKOUT
In what industry insiders are calling “completely f@#king unsustainable but who gives a sh!t anymore,” major tech companies announced plans to construct solar arrays the size of Rhode Island to power their rapidly expanding data centers, which primarily exist to help you find cat videos and determine whether that mole on your arm is cancer.
SOLAR PANELS TO BLOT OUT THE SUN AS FACEBOOK LIKES REQUIRE MORE ENERGY THAN ENTIRE COUNTRIES
The insatiable hunger of data centers has tech giants scrambling to claim every available ray of sunshine before their competitors can get to it. Meta, formerly known as the company that ruined your aunt’s political views, has secured solar contracts exceeding 800 megawatts, approximately enough energy to power a small nation or exactly enough to process seventeen trillion dance videos no one asked for.
“Our commitment to renewable energy is absolute,” said Chip Serverfarm, Meta’s Chief Electricity Consumption Officer. “By 2026, we plan to have so many solar panels that ordinary citizens will need to carry flashlights during daylight hours due to the significant decrease in available sunlight.”
EXPERTS WARN OF “COMPUTATION-CLIMATE PARADOX”
Dr. Sunny Depletion of the Institute for Stating the Bloody Obvious notes that the tech industry’s race to build ever-larger data centers powered by renewable energy creates an interesting dilemma.
“These companies are building solar farms to fight climate change while simultaneously constructing data centers that consume more electricity than small industrialized nations just so AI can write slightly better emails,” explained Depletion. “It’s like putting a Band-Aid on your paper cut while actively setting your house on fire.”
Studies indicate that 78.4% of this massive energy consumption goes toward critical functions like determining which targeted ads might finally make you cave and buy those weird-looking shoes that have been following you around the internet for three months.
DATA CENTER COOLING SYSTEMS NOW CONSUMING 42% OF WORLD’S WATER SUPPLY
Microsoft’s new data center in Arizona requires so much water for cooling that Lake Mead has filed a restraining order. The company maintains that this is a necessary sacrifice to ensure their AI can continue generating unlimited pictures of cats wearing Renaissance clothing.
“We’ve developed revolutionary cooling technology,” claimed Serena Overheating, Microsoft’s VP of Making Hot Computers Less Hot. “Our systems are so efficient that we only need to drain three Olympic-sized swimming pools every hour, which is a 0.02% improvement over last year.”
GOOGLE ANNOUNCES PLANS TO HARNESS THE POWER OF THE SUN BY LITERALLY MOVING CLOSER TO IT
Not to be outdone, Google revealed its ambitious “Operation Icarus” project, which involves constructing data centers in progressively higher altitudes to capture more direct sunlight.
“Each meter closer to the sun provides approximately 0.000001% more solar efficiency,” explained Dr. Watts Maximum, Google’s Director of Astronomical Energy Acquisition. “That’s why we’re building our newest facility on a platform suspended by weather balloons at 60,000 feet. The FAA had some concerns, but we explained that people’s ability to ask their smart speakers to play ‘Despacito’ depends on this innovation.”
According to internal documents accidentally left on a bus, Google’s long-term plan includes constructing data centers on Mercury by 2035.
TECH COMPANIES PROMISE NEW DATA CENTERS WILL CREATE EIGHT WHOLE JOBS
Despite consuming enough electricity to power 1.3 million homes, Amazon’s newest solar-powered data center in Nevada will create an impressive eight permanent positions, including one full-time solar panel duster and a person whose sole responsibility is ensuring the CEO’s dashboard always shows green energy metrics when investors visit.
“We’re proud to contribute to the local economy,” said regional director Trevor Minimal-Impact. “These eight jobs come with competitive benefits like being allowed to stare directly at our solar arrays for up to two minutes during lunch breaks.”
ACTUAL SOLUTION TO ENERGY CRISIS IGNORED BECAUSE IT WOULDN’T LOOK GOOD IN QUARTERLY REPORT
Engineers at the Department of Energy have reportedly developed a method to reduce data center energy consumption by 85% through simply deleting all social media comments containing the phrases “do your research” or “just saying,” but the proposal was rejected for being “too effective and not requiring billions in new infrastructure.”
Professor Practical Solutions of the Center for Common Sense Research estimated that tech companies could reduce energy usage by 75% if they stopped training AI models to write country music lyrics or generate images of Danny DeVito as various Pokemon characters.
As of press time, tech executives were reportedly investigating whether they could harness the heat generated by the Earth’s core, with one anonymous source admitting, “Look, we need to keep the memes flowing no matter the cost to civilization. Also, have you seen our stock prices lately?”
