SILICON VALLEY SAVIORS PROMISE TO FIX ALL PROBLEMS THEY CREATED WITH MORE PROBLEMS
In what experts are calling “the most circle-jerking solution since the invention of the circle,” Silicon Valley billionaires continue their proud tradition of solving problems by creating entirely new, more expensive, and possibly civilization-ending problems.
TECHNOLOGICAL MESSIAH COMPLEX REACHES EPIDEMIC LEVELS
Tech billionaires, whose combined wealth could end world hunger but instead funds space penis rockets, announced this week that technology will save humanity from all the problems that technology created in the first place. This revolutionary approach has been dubbed “setting your house on fire then selling fire extinguishers” by leading economists.
“It’s quite brilliant actually,” explains Dr. Hugh Jassle, Professor of Silicon Valley Psychology at Made-Up University. “First, you invent social media that destroys democracy and teenage mental health. Then you promise to fix it with AI that will definitely not hallucinate nuclear launch codes or convince people their refrigerator is their spiritual advisor.”
PROBLEMS SOLVED BY CREATING NEW PROBLEMS: A F@#KING TIMELINE
1950s: “Cars solve transportation!” (Creates climate crisis)
1990s: “The internet connects humanity!” (Creates QAnon)
2010s: “Social media brings people together!” (Creates societal collapse)
2020s: “AI will fix everything!” (Creates humanity’s extinction)
Studies show that 87% of technological innovations follow the “Holy Sh!t to Oh Sh!t” pipeline, where the initial “Holy sh!t, this changes everything!” enthusiasm is inevitably followed by the “Oh sh!t, we didn’t think this through” realization approximately 3-5 years later.
CAUTIOUS APPROACH DEEMED “TOTALLY LAME” BY VENTURE CAPITALISTS
When asked about implementing a more balanced approach to technological advancement, venture capitalist Chad Moneybags laughed so hard he spilled kombucha on his $8,000 ergonomic standing desk.
“Look, being cautious doesn’t get you a yacht shaped like another, bigger yacht,” explained Moneybags while simultaneously texting, checking crypto prices, and ignoring the existential dread in his eyes. “We operate on a simple principle: move fast, break society, become billionaires, then pay philosophers to explain why it’s actually humanity’s fault for not adapting quick enough.”
THE PUBLIC’S RESPONSE: ADDICTED AND COMPLAINING
Meanwhile, the general public continues its time-honored tradition of complaining about technology while being completely unable to stop using it. A recent survey found that 92% of people think technology is “ruining society” but would rather die than give up their smartphones.
“I hate what social media has done to us,” said local man Terry Paradox, as he uploaded his seventeenth TikTok of the day. “Anyway, make sure to like and subscribe and check out my BeReal where I’m complaining about BeReal.”
At press time, Silicon Valley was reportedly developing new technology to solve the problem of too much technology, which experts predict will create at least 17 new existential threats that will ultimately be solved by even more technology. The circle of innovation continues, much like the circle of hell we’re all living in.
