SILICON NERDS WAGE WAR AGAINST ACTUAL HUMAN LABOR, CALL IT “INITIATIVE”

MIT’s Latest Bulls#!t Program Promises to “Transform Manufacturing” While Faculty Vacation Homes Transform Into Mansions

CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a move surprising absolutely no one with a functioning brain stem, MIT has launched yet another fancy-sounding initiative with an eye-glazing acronym that promises to revolutionize manufacturing while actually just funneling corporate cash into academic pockets.

THE MONEY PRINTER GOES BRRRRR

The Initiative for New Manufacturing (INM) launched this May with the kind of self-congratulatory fanfare typically reserved for tech billionaires announcing plans to colonize Mars. Seven companies including Amgen, Autodesk, and Siemens have already lined up to throw away $500,000 annually for at least three years, with $275,000 of that going directly to what MIT describes as “core activities” but what insiders confirm is “really nice catering.”

“Manufacturing is the engine of society,” declared John Hart, head of MIT’s Department of Mechanical Engineering and a man who has clearly never set foot on an actual factory floor. “We’re going to transform manufacturing through new technology, talent development, and understanding how to scale manufacturing in a way that enables imparts higher productivity and resilience,” he added, visibly struggling to string together enough buzzwords to justify the program’s budget.

EXPERTS AGREE: THIS IS TOTALLY NOT BULLSH!T

Dr. Cash Influx, Professor of Corporate Donation Studies at MIT, enthusiastically supports the initiative. “With this program, we’re tackling society’s most pressing problem: how to extract maximum funding from corporations while producing the minimum number of actionable results,” he explained while polishing his third Rolex.

Industry analyst Penny Wise from the Institute of Obvious Conclusions notes, “Companies are literally paying MIT half a million dollars a year to tell them that AI and automation might be important for manufacturing. I’m pretty sure you could learn that from a f@#king TikTok video for free.”

SOLVING MANUFACTURING BY NEVER STEPPING FOOT IN A FACTORY

The initiative promises to focus on four main themes that sound like they were generated by an algorithm fed exclusively on LinkedIn posts: reimagining manufacturing technologies, elevating productivity and human experience, scaling up new manufacturing, and transforming the manufacturing base.

“We’re going to deploy AI and automation in manufacturing,” Hart explained, apparently unaware that this has been happening since the 1980s. “It’s very, very powerful,” he added, using the exact same tone your uncle uses when describing his new grill.

WORKERS REJOICE AS ACADEMICS PLAN THEIR OBSOLESCENCE

A survey of actual manufacturing workers revealed that 97.3% had no idea this initiative existed, while the remaining 2.7% thought it was “some kind of joke.” Meanwhile, 100% expressed concerns about being replaced by robots designed by people who’ve never had to work a 12-hour shift.

Factory worker Mike Johnson from Detroit commented, “Oh great, another bunch of PhDs who’ve never operated a single piece of machinery telling us how to do our jobs better. Just what America f@#king needed.”

AMERICA: STILL MANUFACTURING THINGS, SOMEHOW

The initiative claims a “particular focus” on the United States, which has experienced decades of manufacturing decline while MIT was busy solving other important problems like how to make robots do backflips.

“No one really disputes the importance of manufacturing,” Hart said, while apparently disputing its importance enough to wait until 2023 to launch this initiative. “We need to elevate interest in manufacturing as a rewarding career,” he continued, presumably referring to the rewarding career of being an academic who studies manufacturing rather than someone who actually makes things.

CORPORATIONS LINE UP TO BE SWINDLED

Founding members Amgen, Autodesk, Flex, GE Vernova, PTC, Sanofi, and Siemens have all committed to the program, presumably after their CFOs all simultaneously suffered concussions.

“We’re thrilled to participate in this groundbreaking initiative,” said Corporate Spokesperson Gullible McSpenderson. “For just $1.5 million over three years, we get to put the MIT logo on our PowerPoint slides and pretend we’re on the cutting edge of manufacturing innovation.”

THE BOTTOM LINE

As MIT prepares to save American manufacturing from the comfort of air-conditioned Cambridge offices, 78% of actual factories continue to struggle with real-world problems like supply chain disruptions, worker shortages, and the crippling realization that the future is being designed by people who think factories are just theoretical constructs.

Professor Ican Tbelievethis of the Reality Check Institute summarized it best: “By the time MIT finishes ‘reimagining’ manufacturing, China will have built another 10,000 actual factories. But hey, at least we’ll have some really great white papers about it.”