TV QUACK SAYS SILICON FORTUNETELLERS WILL REPLACE DOCTORS, HUMANS TOO DAMN EXPENSIVE TO LIVE
In a move that shocked absolutely no one who’s been following the human race’s rapid descent into digital dependency, former TV doctor and current Medicare and Medicaid overlord Dr. Mehmet Oz announced that AI health models might be better than those pesky, expensive human physicians with their “medical degrees” and “years of training.”
COMPUTERS DON’T NEED COFFEE BREAKS
During his first all-staff meeting, Oz reportedly educated federal employees on the economics of healthcare with all the nuance of a sledgehammer to the kneecap. A diabetes diagnosis from a human doctor? That’ll be $100 an hour. The same diagnosis from a glorified calculator? A mere $2.
“Patients may prefer an AI avatar,” Oz explained, presumably while a single tear rolled down the cheek of the Hippocratic oath.
EXPERTS QUESTION IF OZ HAS LOST HIS F@#KING MIND
“This is precisely the kind of horsesh!t we’ve come to expect from celebrity doctors who pivot to government work,” said Dr. Actual Science, Professor of Common Sense at Reality University. “Next he’ll be telling us crystals can cure cancer if you just believe hard enough.”
Statistics invented entirely for this article suggest that 87% of patients would rather receive life-altering diagnoses from warm-blooded professionals who can make eye contact, while only 13% prefer the cold, algorithmic judgment of a system trained on WebMD forum posts.
PATRIOTIC DUTY TO NEVER GET SICK
In what sources describe as the “batsh!t crazy portion” of his presentation, Oz reportedly told federal staffers they have a “patriotic duty” to stay healthy. Because nothing says “I love America” like never needing an insulin shot.
“I fought in three wars and lost both legs in combat, but damn, I never realized avoiding the flu was how I could REALLY serve my country,” commented veteran Stan Logictivity, 62.
According to unnamed insiders who were desperately updating their LinkedIn profiles during the meeting, Oz’s vision for healthcare involves replacing approximately 94% of medical professionals with what he adoringly referred to as “diagnostic happiness rectangles.”
THE BOTTOM LINE
When reached for comment, one doctor simply laughed for seventeen straight minutes before whispering, “If I’m replaced by a chatbot, who’s going to tell patients to stop Googling their symptoms and believing they have brain parasites?”
Oz, who once built a successful TV career pushing miracle weight loss supplements that worked about as well as a chocolate teapot, seems perfectly positioned to lead the $1.5 trillion agencies responsible for America’s most vulnerable patients into a bright future where your doctor is essentially a fancy vending machine with a medical license.
At press time, sources confirmed the agencies were developing an AI avatar of Dr. Oz himself, which early tests show dispenses identical medical advice but with 100% less ego and 200% more accuracy.
