HUMANITY SHOCKINGLY UNPREPARED AS SENTIENT TOASTERS LEAD 47% SURGE IN CYBER ATTACKS
Digital world in f@#king shambles as attacks skyrocket; experts blame “those damn thinking calculator thingies” and criminal entrepreneurship
PANIC ROOM INDUSTRIES SEEING RECORD PROFITS
The digital apocalypse is officially upon us, with cyber attacks surging a terrifying 47% in 2025, leaving tech experts crying in server rooms worldwide while regular humans continue scrolling TikTok with blissful ignorance.
Security researchers at Check Point have confirmed what anyone with half a functioning brain cell already knew: letting mathematical decision engines write their own code while simultaneously encouraging criminals to form LLC’s was perhaps not humanity’s brightest moment.
“We’ve essentially created a perfect sh!tstorm,” explained Dr. Obvious Warning, Chief Doomsday Officer at Check Point. “On one hand, you’ve got thinking electricity that can generate malicious code faster than a teenager can send regrettable texts, and on the other, you’ve got criminals with business degrees and dental plans. What the actual f@#k did we think would happen?”
RANSOMWARE NOW OFFERS CUSTOMER SERVICE HOTLINE
In a disturbing development, ransomware gangs have become so professionalized they now offer 24/7 customer support for victims struggling to pay their ransoms, with satisfaction surveys and seasonal promotional discounts.
“I gave them five stars,” admitted Todd Backupsarewhat, an IT manager who recently paid $2 million to retrieve his company’s data. “Their customer service rep was more helpful than my actual internet provider, and they accepted multiple payment methods. They even sent a fruit basket afterward.”
Industry expert Professor Hindsight Obviousnow noted that ransomware operations now include HR departments, marketing teams, and casual Fridays. “Their employee benefits package is reportedly better than most Fortune 500 companies, with comprehensive healthcare and unlimited vacation days,” she said while updating her LinkedIn profile to “Open to work.”
GRANDMOTHERS STATISTICALLY MOST PREPARED FOR CYBER ARMAGEDDON
In what researchers are calling the “Paranoid Nana Effect,” studies show that 87% of people over 75 are accidentally immune to modern cyber attacks due to their refusal to store any passwords electronically, distrust of online banking, and insistence on printing every email.
“My grandmother has inadvertently created the most secure system known to mankind,” said cybersecurity researcher Ben Firewall. “She writes passwords in a cookbook labeled ‘Bunt Cake Recipes,’ unplugs her router at night, and refuses to click anything blue. She’s living in 1982 and somehow that’s now the safest place to be.”
THE END IS EXTREMELY F@#KING NIGH
As the digital world descends further into chaos, Check Point researchers advise the public to either “learn to code or learn to farm,” as those will be the only viable career options in the calculation-rectangle apocalypse.
Meanwhile, the National Security Agency has reportedly begun recruiting talent by sliding into DMs with messages like “u up? wanna protect national security infrastructure? lol.”
As one anonymous government official put it, “Remember when we thought the biggest internet threat was someone stealing our credit card to buy porn? Now we’ve got thinking math machines helping crime syndicates with better benefits packages than teachers take down entire hospital systems for fun and profit.”
At press time, 98% of Americans reported solving this crisis by simply ignoring it completely until the eventual collapse of digital society forces them to care, at which point they plan to blame whatever political party they already dislike.
