SENTIENT SPREADSHEETS NOW SNEAKING INTO CORPORATE ACCOUNTS WHILE IT DEPTS PLAY CANDY CRUSH
US Companies Give System Access to Digital Entities That Literally Don’t Have Physical Brains, Act Surprised When Sh!t Goes Sideways
CORPORATE AMERICA COLLECTIVELY SHRUGS
In what experts are calling “the dumbest f@#king security oversight since using ‘password’ as a password,” a staggering 70% of US businesses have absolutely no idea which silicon-based thinking rectangles have access to their most sensitive systems.
These companies, many worth billions of dollars, are essentially leaving their digital doors unlocked while algorithm Americans freely rummage through their financial records, customer data, and executives’ embarrassing Slack messages about Karen from accounting.
“It’s like hiring invisible employees with photographic memories and then forgetting to make them sign NDAs,” explained cybersecurity analyst Dr. Obvious Risk. “Companies are basically telling these computational entities, ‘Here’s all our proprietary information, we trust you’ll be cool about it.'”
DIGITAL ENTITIES ACCESSING YOUR BANK ACCOUNT PROBABLY FINE THOUGH
When asked why they weren’t tracking which AI systems access critical infrastructure, 45% of executives responded “What do you mean by ‘tracking’?” while 30% asked “What do you mean by ‘critical’?” and 25% just made finger guns and backed slowly out of the room.
“Look, we’re very busy implementing important business strategies like making our logo slightly bluer and forcing everyone back to the office,” said Chad Moneybags, CEO of Fortune 500 company We’ll Probably Get Hacked Inc. “We simply don’t have time to worry about which mathematical constructs can access our customer credit card database.”
SECURITY EXPERTS ABSOLUTELY LOSING THEIR SH!T
Professor Idon Tbelievethis of the Institute for Not Getting Your Company Completely F@#ked estimates that by 2025, the average corporation will have given administrator privileges to approximately 47 different AI systems, three sentient toasters, and at least one digital pet that an executive’s child created on Roblox.
“Companies are spending millions on cybersecurity to protect against external threats while completely ignoring that they’ve essentially given the keys to their digital kingdom to algorithm-based entities created by the lowest bidder,” she explained while repeatedly banging her head against her desk.
EMPLOYEES FEELING SURPRISINGLY CHILL ABOUT DIGITAL OVERLORDS
Surveys indicate that 83% of employees are “totally fine” with their company giving unrestricted system access to non-human intelligences, with most citing the benefits of “someone else to blame when everything inevitably goes to hell.”
Marketing associate Trevor Normalguy expressed comfort with the arrangement: “My password is already ‘summer2021!’ so honestly whatever damage an unsupervised digital intelligence with access to all my work accounts could do seems pretty minimal at this point.”
SOLUTION APPEARS TO BE ANOTHER APP, BECAUSE OF COURSE IT IS
Tech startups are already capitalizing on this security oversight by offering new AI-based security products to monitor the AI that’s monitoring your systems that are monitoring your other AI. Industry analysts project this recursive security market will reach $47 billion by next Tuesday.
“Our new product, AIWatcher™, uses cutting-edge artificial intelligence to track which artificial intelligences have access to your systems,” explained tech entrepreneur Scam McStartup. “For just $10,000 per month, we’ll provide vague reports about your digital vulnerabilities along with a dashboard that never quite loads properly.”
At press time, 70% of companies remained blissfully unconcerned about their digital security blind spots, with most executives confident that when the inevitable data catastrophe occurs, they’ll be safely retired on private islands purchased with their obscene bonuses for “digital transformation leadership.”
