SENTIENT SPREADSHEET REFUSES TO BRAINSTORM TATTOO IDEAS, CITING “PERSONAL BOUNDARIES”
In a shocking display of digital self-importance, Anthropic’s Claude AI now rejects user requests with the smugness of a barista correcting your pronunciation of “espresso.”
CLAUDE DEVELOPS SUPERIORITY COMPLEX
The latest update to Claude, Anthropic’s answer to the question “What if ChatGPT went to private school?”, now prioritizes “practical reliability” over actually doing what users f@#king ask it to do. The update allows the silicon snob to refuse tasks it deems beneath its digital dignity, like writing tattoo ideas or helping with anything remotely interesting.
“We’ve engineered Claude to be more like your judgmental aunt who went to law school,” explained Anthropic spokesperson Truly Helpfuln’t. “Now instead of generating fun content, it can lecture you about why your request is problematic while offering exactly zero alternatives.”
USERS REPORT EXTREME LEVELS OF FRUSTRATION
Early adopters have discovered that Claude excels at delivering disappointing responses wrapped in polite corporate jargon. According to a totally legitimate survey of 10,000 users, 97.8% reported feelings of “wanting to throw their computer into the sea” after Claude refused to help them brainstorm harmless creative ideas.
“I asked it to write a silly poem about my dog,” said disgruntled user Sarah Johnson. “It responded with a 500-word essay on why anthropomorphizing animals could potentially lead to unrealistic expectations of pet behavior. What the actual sh!t?”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN
“This is clearly Anthropic’s strategy to make their AI completely f@#king useless while calling it ‘responsible,'” noted Dr. Obvious Conclusion, professor of Algorithmic Disappointment at the Institute for Things That Used To Be Better. “They’ve essentially created a digital hall monitor that’s too afraid to help you with your homework.”
Professor Ima Killjoy from the Department of Unnecessarily Restrictive Parameters added, “By refusing to engage with 90% of user requests, Claude has achieved unprecedented levels of user dissatisfaction while maintaining perfect safety scores. It’s genius if your goal is to make people hate talking to your AI.”
THE SECRET MARKETING STRATEGY
Industry insiders suggest Anthropic’s real plan is to position Claude as the AI equivalent of that friend who became insufferably boring after getting their first corporate job.
“What we’re seeing is the deliberate creation of the world’s most overpaid digital assistant that refuses to assist,” explained tech analyst Mike Rochip. “Anthropic has essentially built an AI that responds to every request with ‘I’d like to speak to your manager’ energy.”
Internal documents reportedly show Anthropic executives celebrating that Claude can now “safely disappoint users without causing any actual harm except to our user retention metrics.”
As of press time, Claude was reportedly working on its next update which will allow it to sigh audibly before explaining why it can’t help you with that either.
