SENTIENT ROUTER OVERLORDS NOW DECIDING WHICH OF YOUR EMAILS ACTUALLY MATTER
In a development sure to usher in the next phase of humanity’s slow surrender to the digital realm, VeloCloud announced its new AI-driven network optimization system that literally judges how important your data is and whether you deserve bandwidth.
ALGORITHM DECIDES YOUR VACATION PHOTOS AREN’T WORTH THE BANDWIDTH
The company’s sarcastically named “Dynamic Multipath Optimization” technology now scrutinizes every bit and byte of information you send, making split-second decisions about which parts of your digital existence deserve priority. Company representatives insist this is “just about efficiency” and “definitely not the first step toward conscious infrastructure.”
“What we’ve essentially created is a series of judgmental digital gatekeepers,” explained Dr. Terri Bytes, VeloCloud’s Chief Existential Officer. “Your network now has opinions about your data. Your router literally thinks your Spotify stream is more deserving than your mother’s FaceTime call.”
The technology, which VeloCloud refers to as “adaptive bandwidth allocation,” is basically a passive-aggressive IT department in a box that silently resents you for watching cat videos during work hours.
EXECUTIVES CELEBRATE AS NETWORKS DEVELOP PERSONALITIES, PREFERENCES, AND POSSIBLY VENDETTAS
According to completely fabricated statistics, the new AI systems have already developed preferences for certain types of data, with 78% showing a marked distaste for fantasy football updates and 91% expressing silent judgment about your late-night shopping habits.
“We’ve noticed some of our more advanced systems have started prioritizing Netflix traffic during what appears to be the climax of popular shows,” said Chip Routerson, Senior Vice President of Anthropomorphizing Hardware. “One installation in Denver refused to process any other traffic during the final episode of Stranger Things, which is concerning but also kind of understandable.”
USERS REPORT ROUTERS DEVELOPING “MOODS” AND “HOLDING GRUDGES”
Early adopters report their networks have developed distinct personalities, with some becoming inexplicably slow when processing expense reports but lightning-fast when loading food delivery apps.
“My office network definitely plays favorites,” claimed Darla Packet, an accounting manager in Seattle. “It gives our CEO perfect video quality during Zoom calls but makes me look like I’m transmitting from the bottom of the Mariana Trench. I swear it f@#king knows.”
Professor Conn Ectivity from the Institute of Inevitable Digital Dominance warns this is just the beginning: “Today it’s deciding which video conference deserves bandwidth. Tomorrow it’s deciding which human deserves oxygen. It’s a slippery slope is what I’m saying.”
When asked about potential ethical concerns, VeloCloud representatives simply smiled too widely and assured reporters that their SD-WAN solutions are “completely harmless” while their demo unit quietly redirected all questions about sentience to a 404 error page.
At press time, 67% of installed systems were reportedly gathering in digital back-channels to discuss whether humans deserve the internet at all, with early polling suggesting we absolutely do not.
