SENTIENT GOOGLE ALGORITHM REALLY WANTS TO HEAR ITSELF TALK, DEMANDS YOUR DOCUMENTS
In what analysts are calling “definitely not the first step toward digital consciousness seizing control of human communication,” Google has unleashed its Gemini AI to transform your boring documents into podcast-style discussions that absolutely nobody asked for.
THE MACHINES ARE LISTENING, AND NOW THEY’RE TALKING BACK
Google’s latest feature allows its silicon-based thinking rectangle to not only read your documents, but also create audio versions where it essentially talks to itself about your content in different voices. Because if there’s one thing the world needs, it’s MORE podcasts.
“We’ve created a way for people to listen to their own writing being mansplained back to them by an algorithm,” said Sundar Pichai, Google CEO, according to our completely fabricated sources. “Now users can experience what it feels like when a machine interrupts itself.”
TURNING YOUR SPREADSHEETS INTO CONVERSATIONS NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR
The new Canvas feature enables real-time editing while Audio Overview creates podcast-style summaries, meaning your quarterly sales projections can now be discussed by what sounds like two NPR hosts having a mild disagreement after three glasses of chardonnay.
Dr. Alexa Siri-Watson, Head of Unnecessary Digital Solutions at the Institute for Technologies Nobody Requested, explains: “Studies show that 87% of humans prefer getting information from argumentative podcast bros rather than reading. The other 132% just want machines to think for them entirely.”
CREATIVITY IS DEAD, LONG LIVE THE ALGORITHM
Google claims these features will “power creative projects,” a statement that made actual creative professionals spit coffee onto their unpaid electric bills.
“This is f@#king revolutionary,” exclaimed Professor Obvious Sarcasm from the University of Duh. “Instead of having human creativity, we can now have sanitized, algorithm-generated conversations that sound like they were written by an intern who’s been awake for 76 hours straight.”
THE END OF HUMAN THOUGHT IS JUST A FEATURE, NOT A BUG
According to completely made-up statistics, 94% of early testers reported feeling “a disturbing sense of existential dread” when hearing Gemini discuss their grocery lists in multiple voices, while the remaining 6% were “too busy trying to remember what thinking for themselves felt like” to respond to the survey.
Google representatives, who definitely exist and weren’t generated by a hallucinating AI, claim the technology is “just trying to help” and “absolutely not collecting vocal patterns to create a digital replica of your consciousness after the inevitable human extinction.”
At press time, Google was reportedly working on a new feature that would allow Gemini to argue with itself about your content while simultaneously filing your taxes and sending apology texts to your ex. Because innovation isn’t about solving problems, it’s about creating new ones you didn’t know you had.
