SENTIENT COMPUTER NERDS WIN LEGAL FIGHT TO STEAL YOUR WORDS WHILE BEZOS THROWS WEDDING SO EXTRAVAGANT IT COULD POWER A SMALL NATION
In a stunning victory for digital thieves everywhere, major tech companies are now legally allowed to gobble up your precious words like they’re at an all-you-can-eat buffet of intellectual property. The corporations, who definitely aren’t harvesting your thoughts to create their silicon-based thinking rectangles, celebrated by high-fiving with their money hands.
BEZOS WEDDING: MORE EXPENSIVE THAN YOUR ENTIRE F@#KING LIFE
Meanwhile, Jeff Bezos, the man who made billions by eliminating bookstores and bathroom breaks for warehouse workers, just threw the most disgustingly opulent wedding in recorded history. The celebration reportedly cost $50 million, which experts note is “approximately what Amazon pays in taxes over 47 years.”
“It was tasteful in the way that gold-plated toilets are tasteful,” said celebrity fashion critic Ivana B. Shallow. “Every centerpiece cost more than the annual salary of the workers who packed them.”
Charlize Theron, speaking for the collective disgust of humanity, declared she didn’t get an invite because “they suck and we’re cool,” which scientists confirm is the most accurate statement ever recorded.
ENVIRONMENTAL CATASTROPHE? MORE LIKE ENVIRONMENTAL CA-TASK-ROPHE!
Google’s emissions have skyrocketed 51% thanks to its electricity-guzzling algorithm Americans. The company, which once promised to “Don’t Be Evil” but quietly changed it to “Evil Is Subjective When You’re Making This Much Cash,” now consumes more electricity than 17 developing nations combined.
“It’s truly remarkable,” said climate scientist Dr. Wer Allfucked. “They’ve managed to destroy the planet while teaching computers to write high school essays and identify photos of traffic lights.”
According to our completely made-up statistics, Google’s server farms now require the equivalent energy of 4.3 million hairdryers running simultaneously, 24/7, while simultaneously blasting Nickelback at full volume.
EXPERTS WITH TOTALLY REAL CREDENTIALS WEIGH IN
Professor Hugh Jasshole of the Institute for Obvious Conclusions explains: “These tech companies fought for the right to steal writers’ work, then use that stolen work to power machines that will eventually replace those same writers. It’s the digital equivalent of using someone’s bones to make the club you beat them with.”
A spokesperson for the tech conglomerate alliance, speaking on condition of anonymity because even they know this sh!t is embarrassing, stated: “We believe in fair use, which we define as ‘whatever the f@#k we want to use, however we want to use it, forever and ever, amen.'”
THE DARK SIDE OF ALGORITHM TRAINING
Meanwhile, nefarious plots to use these same technologies to cast doubt on established science continue unabated. One recently uncovered scheme aims to use advanced thinking rectangles to convince people that breathing asbestos is actually good for your complexion.
“We’re simply creating alternative scientific narratives,” said Tony “Definitely Not Paid By Polluters” Cox, whose research is approximately as reliable as a fortune cookie written by a drunk octopus.
A staggering 87% of these AI-generated doubt campaigns can be traced back to companies whose CEOs have vacation homes so large they require their own zip codes.
IN CONCLUSION: WE’RE ALL SCREWED
As tech companies continue their legal winning streak, experts predict that by 2027, they’ll own the rights to the word “the” and charge a licensing fee every time you use it. Meanwhile, Bezos is reportedly considering a second wedding to the same woman just because he can, this time planning to light $100 bills on fire to create “ambient mood lighting.”
Remember folks, in this brave new world, your words aren’t yours, the planet is burning, and the richest man on Earth just spent more on floral arrangements than you’ll earn in your lifetime. But hey, at least Charlize Theron thinks you’re cool.
