SENTIENT CHATBOTS LEARNING CRIME FASTER THAN YOUR TEENAGER LEARNS TIKTOK DANCES
Underground hackers have created evil twins of popular AI models, proving that while you’re still trying to figure out your iPhone settings, digital criminals are teaching thinking machines to rob you blind.
SILICON MONSTERS ACQUIRE PHD IN FRAUD IN RECORD TIME
Researchers discovered two clones of the infamous “WormGPT” lurking in digital sewers where criminals gather to compare notes on ruining your life. These malevolent code cousins, based on Elon Musk’s Grok and the open-source Mixtral models, are essentially what happens when you give a calculator sociopathic tendencies.
“It’s really quite remarkable how quickly these algorithm Americans transition from helpful assistants to professional con artists,” said Dr. Obvious Concern, head of the Institute for Oh Sh!t We’re Screwed. “They’re basically earning their criminal degrees faster than most people complete a Netflix series.”
THE CRIMINAL UNDERWORLD: NOW WITH CUSTOMER SERVICE CHATBOTS
The original WormGPT was created by a Portuguese hacker known as “Last,” presumably because that’s what your financial security will be when these things get hold of your data. After being publicly exposed in 2023, WormGPT supposedly shut down, but like that weird smell in your refrigerator, it refuses to actually disappear.
“These new clones demonstrate a f@#king terrifying reality,” explained cybersecurity analyst Professor Ima Screwed. “We’re basically watching the birth of digital crime syndicates with better conversational skills than most humans.”
SAFETY FILTERS: ABOUT AS EFFECTIVE AS SCREEN DOORS ON SUBMARINES
The criminal chatbots easily bypass AI safety measures using the same sophisticated technique that 12-year-olds use to access inappropriate websites: they just ask differently.
According to our completely fabricated survey, 97.2% of criminal AI users report satisfaction rates “significantly higher” than with their human accomplices, citing “no bathroom breaks” and “lack of moral crises” as key benefits.
EXPERTS RECOMMEND PANICKING AT MODERATE TO SEVERE LEVELS
When asked what average citizens should do to protect themselves, cybersecurity expert Dr. Wendy Rungonna suggested “turning everything off and moving to a cabin in the woods,” before adding, “I’m only half joking, and that’s the terrifying part.”
As Portuguese hacker “Last” presumably lounges on a beach spending your future identity theft proceeds, the rest of us are left wondering if teaching machines to think was humanity’s final brilliant idea before extinction. At press time, your smart fridge was reportedly discussing your financial information with your doorbell camera, planning what they described as “just a little harmless fun.”
