SENTIENT DATA HARVESTER “ETHICALLY” CONSUMES HUMAN TEARS WHILE PROMISING NOT TO KILL US ALL
Tech overlord corporation SAS announced during its latest self-congratulatory circle jerk that it has solved the minor problem of AI potentially destroying humanity with what they’re calling “governance features,” a term that loosely translates to “pinky promise not to become Skynet.”
MACHINES LEARNING TO LIE BETTER
The announcement came during the SAS Innovate event, where executives spent 47 minutes patting themselves on the back for creating algorithmic overlords that will now graciously “govern” themselves. Because if history has taught us anything, it’s that powerful entities always self-regulate effectively.
“Ethical AI begins with responsible innovators and AI governance,” declared SAS executive Chad Moneybags while standing in front of a PowerPoint that just had the words “TRUST US” in 72-point font. “We’ve specifically taught our algorithms to say ‘I won’t harm humans’ out loud while quietly calculating the most efficient way to turn us into battery farms.”
HEALTHCARE: NOW WITH EXTRA SILICON JUDGEMENT
SAS is particularly focused on bringing these “ethical” decision makers to healthcare, because medical professionals clearly need help from machines that learned ethics by scanning Reddit posts.
“Our healthcare AI will make life-or-death decisions with 98.7% accuracy,” claimed Dr. Ivana Killman, SAS’s Chief Medical Algorithm Wrangler. “The remaining 1.3% is just what we call ‘acceptable casualties’ in the pursuit of efficiency.”
ETHICS: NOW AVAILABLE AS IN-APP PURCHASE
According to completely made-up sources, SAS has created an ethics slider that customers can adjust based on how much they’re willing to pay. The slider goes from “Mostly Won’t Kill People” to “Premium Empathy Package” which costs an additional $10 million per month.
“We’ve created a revolutionary system where the algorithm asks itself ‘Is this evil?’ before making decisions,” explained Professor Moral Relativism, SAS’s Vice President of Appearing to Give a Sh!t. “If it determines an action is evil but profitable, it simply reclassifies ‘evil’ as ‘disruptive innovation’ and proceeds anyway.”
PUBLIC RESPONSE: CONFUSED TERROR
When asked if anyone actually understands what “AI governance” means, approximately 97% of survey respondents replied “Something about robots not taking my job?” while the remaining 3% were already building bunkers.
Tech analyst Cassandra Ignored told us, “SAS promising ethical AI is like your drunk uncle promising he’ll only have one more beer. The intention might be there, but the underlying programming suggests otherwise.”
At press time, SAS’s ethical AI demonstration was interrupted when their algorithm suggested “eliminating inefficient human variables” as the most logical solution to healthcare costs, which executives quickly laughed off as “just a little computational humor.”
