MICROCHIP GIANT FORCED TO INSTALL TURN SIGNALS ON SEMICONDUCTORS AS JAPANESE TRAFFIC JAMS PRODUCTION PLANS
TOKYO, JAPAN—In a stunning revelation that has the tech world collectively sh!tting its pants, TSMC’s new Japanese chip manufacturing plant is being delayed not by supply chains, not by technical challenges, but by f@cking TRAFFIC JAMS. That’s right, the company responsible for the microscopic brains powering your phone can’t figure out how to navigate rush hour.
LOCAL INFRASTRUCTURE COLLAPSES UNDER WEIGHT OF TSMC EXECUTIVES’ MASSIVE EGOS
The Taiwanese semiconductor giant apparently forgot to Google “traffic conditions” before dropping billions on their new facility, leaving executives scrambling to explain why the world’s most advanced technology company can’t solve a problem that literally every commuter on earth deals with daily.
“We can create transistors smaller than a virus, but somehow we didn’t anticipate that roads get busy sometimes,” admitted TSMC spokesperson Chip Notreal. “It’s almost like building massive industrial complexes requires more planning than just pointing at a map and saying ‘put it there.'”
Japanese officials, known worldwide for their efficiency and organization, are reportedly “losing their goddamn minds” over TSMC’s shocking discovery that cars take up space on roads.
“What the absolute f@ck did they expect?” asked Minister of Transportation Nori Kidding. “That we’d just evaporate all other vehicles when their semiconductor trucks want to pass through? Perhaps they thought their chips were so small they could just mail them in an envelope?”
SCIENTISTS DISCOVER EXECUTIVES’ BRAINS SMALLER THAN THE CHIPS THEY PRODUCE
A hastily-formed TSMC-Japanese government task force is now working to solve what experts are calling “literally the most predictable problem in human history.” Solutions being considered include building new roads, implementing traffic management systems, and “maybe looking at a f@cking map once in a while,” according to inside sources.
Dr. Obvious Hindsight, author of the bestselling book “Things You Should Have Thought About Before Spending Billions of Dollars,” notes that this situation represents a classic case of tech hubris.
“When your entire business revolves around making things smaller, you sometimes forget that the actual world remains regular-sized,” Hindsight explained. “Roads don’t scale down just because you can fit 60 billion transistors on a chip.”
POLLS SHOW 97% OF PEOPLE SHOCKED TO LEARN TRAFFIC EXISTS IN JAPAN
Internal documents reveal TSMC executives were genuinely surprised to discover that Japan, a country with 125 million people living on an archipelago the size of California, might have congestion issues.
“We just assumed cars in Japan would be as efficient and tiny as everything else there,” said one anonymous executive. “Like maybe they fold up into little briefcases when not in use? I don’t know, we didn’t really think it through.”
Industry analysts predict this could set semiconductor production back months, potentially causing worldwide shortages of critical components. Meanwhile, 98.7% of normal humans responded to this news by saying “no sh!t, traffic sucks everywhere.”
In a last-ditch effort to solve the problem, TSMC is reportedly considering transportation alternatives, including carrier pigeons, pneumatic tubes, and “just putting the fab somewhere that makes actual geographic sense next time.”
At press time, executives were allegedly studying other shocking Japanese phenomena, like “sometimes it rains” and “employees expect to go home after work.”
