Second Trump Presidency Means Tech Moguls Can Finally Buy that Extra Planet They’ve Had their Eye On
In a historic turn of events that has sent the world of technology spiraling into an unprecedented frenzy, Wall Street experienced a euphoria-induced stock frenzy following the announcement of Trump’s victorious re-election. Evidently, the market has decided that what America needs is more billionaires with superyachts, and who are we to disagree?
As the news broke, shares in Nvidia, the artificial intelligence chip darling, soared to a record high, only to be followed by an enthusiastic Bitcoin price rally that presumably has crypto miners worldwide creating NFTs of themselves doing joyful jigs. If you ever wanted to see tech bros experience unchecked ecstasy while wearing VR headsets in their basement, now is your chance.
Not to be left behind, Tesla’s stock rocketed up by nearly 15%, leaving many to wonder if CEO Elon Musk is planning to buy a small country or just colonize Mars a few years early. The ever-humble Musk was likely overjoyed, especially after Trump crowned him a “super genius” – perhaps a position in Trump’s cabinet is next, where Musk can unleash his talents like convincing people to inject capital directly into his bloodstream.
Experts speculated on what Trump 2.0’s reign might mean for monopolies, AI, and social media, but quickly realized that complexity was pesky and overrated. Why bother with nuance when you can just tweet policy into existence?
Tech giant Google was seen eyeing ways to make their search algorithm politically opinionated—like suggesting alternative facts in predictive search—while Amazon reportedly initiated a project called “Prime Presidency,” guaranteeing faster state takeover delivery than ever before.
In a statement that rang with goodwill and sincerity, a fictional spokesperson for Meta commented, “We look forward to expanding our metaverse exploration while simultaneously dodging every possible attempt at regulation. Like a game of dodgeball, but with more profit margin.”
Meanwhile, AI developers are hard at work ensuring robots can make up Twitter beefs without human input, ensuring that the nation’s energy can be better spent on innovations like smart fridges that criticize your produce choices firsthand.
Indeed, with this second coming of a Trump presidency, big tech firms can rest assured that the path to a technocratic dystopia has been paved. They’ll be free to ignore antitrust laws, as long as they promise to add a Make America Great Again color palette to their user interfaces.
As one fictional overworked tech investor summed it up: “It’s a golden age for innovation, profiteering, and possibly space travel. But mostly for the exponential rise of sarcastic tweets.” In an era that bravely embraces massive egos and even bigger wallets, the possibilities are limitless—or at least have a zero added upgrade cost.
