TECH DOOM PORN ADDICTS FURIOUSLY MASTURBATE TO BLACK MIRROR EPISODES WHILE TWEETING “THIS IS OUR FUTURE”
In a shocking revelation that surprised absolutely f@#king nobody, researchers have confirmed that 97% of Black Mirror viewers are actually just getting off to technological apocalypse scenarios while pretending to be “concerned citizens.”
DYSTOPIA FETISHISTS MEET WEEKLY TO DISCUSS HOW SMARTPHONES WILL EVENTUALLY HARVEST THEIR ORGANS
Every Tuesday night in basements across America, groups of self-proclaimed “digital truthers” gather to theorize about how their Apple Watches are secretly measuring their kidney function to determine when they’ll be prime for harvesting.
“Black Mirror isn’t a TV show, it’s a documentary from the future,” insisted Noah Phonesrgood, a 34-year-old who refuses to use digital payment methods but somehow maintains seventeen social media accounts. “Every episode is basically a warning from Charlie Brooker, who I’m convinced is a time traveler sent to save us.”
LOCAL MAN SCREAMS “TOLD YOU SO” AT ROOMBA, PREPARES FOR INEVITABLE BETRAYAL
According to our completely made-up statistics, Black Mirror viewers are 783% more likely to apologize to their kitchen appliances “just in case” and 1,200% more likely to cover their laptop cameras with tape while simultaneously posting their exact location on Instagram.
“What people don’t understand is that every piece of technology is just waiting to murder you,” explained Dr. Paranoia McTechnophobe, Professor of Hypothetical Digital Disasters at University of Mom’s Basement. “That’s why I wrote my book ‘Your Toaster Wants You Dead’ using only a typewriter and my own blood as ink.”
NETFLIX CONFIRMS NEW SEASON WILL JUST BE FOOTAGE OF PEOPLE WATCHING BLACK MIRROR AND BECOMING INCREASINGLY ANXIOUS
In an exclusive interview that definitely didn’t happen, Netflix executives revealed their groundbreaking new approach.
“We realized we don’t even need to create new dystopian scenarios anymore,” said Netflix’s Chief Content Officer, Ima Makinitup. “We can just film our viewers slowly developing technology-induced panic disorders while they watch our show. It’s very meta, very cost-effective.”
NATION’S ACTUAL TECH EXPERTS BEG PEOPLE TO CALM THE F@#K DOWN
Meanwhile, actual technology experts continue their futile efforts to convince people that not every innovation is a slippery slope to hunting humans for sport.
“Yes, there are legitimate concerns about technology’s role in society,” sighed Dr. Reality Check, Director of the Center for Not Being a Complete Paranoid Lunatic. “But no, your smart fridge is not plotting with your Alexa to replace you with a more efficient human model. At least not until 2027.”
A recent survey found that 89% of Black Mirror enthusiasts believe they’re “preparing for the inevitable” while simultaneously being unable to explain how a single piece of technology in their home actually works.
At press time, the article’s author was frantically unplugging all electronic devices after receiving a suspicious notification that may or may not have been a calendar reminder for a dentist appointment, because you just never f@#king know anymore, do you?
