TECH COMPANY ACCIDENTALLY REVEALS SECRETS, BLAMES “INCREDIBLY JANKY” SYSTEM; INDUSTRY EXPERTS RECOMMEND TRYING “LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE”
Scale AI Exposes Competitors’ Deepest Secrets After Implementing Security System Designed By Drunk Toddlers
SILICON VALLEY’S NEWEST DISASTER
In what technology insiders are calling “the information security equivalent of wearing see-through pants to a job interview,” Scale AI has accidentally leaked confidential files from Meta, Google, and xAI through what company representatives described as an “incredibly janky” document system that apparently consisted of sticky notes, wishful thinking, and a password that was just “password123” typed with varying levels of enthusiasm.
The leak occurred just weeks after Meta invested $14 billion in Scale AI, proving once again that throwing money at a company is no guarantee they won’t immediately set that money on fire while dancing naked around the flames of their own incompetence.
SECURITY EXPERTS WEIGH IN
“I’ve seen better security systems implemented by my grandmother, and she thinks the cloud is where rain comes from,” said cybersecurity expert Dr. Obvious Flaw, director of the Institute for Not F@#king Up Basic Security Protocols. “Scale AI essentially left their digital front door not just unlocked, but removed entirely and replaced with a neon sign saying ‘all secrets in here, please take some!'”
According to anonymous sources within the company, Scale AI’s document protection method involved a sophisticated technique known as “hoping really hard that nobody would look too closely.” The company reportedly stored confidential information using a revolutionary security approach called “just kind of leaving it there.”
THE LEAKIEST LEAK THAT EVER LEAKED
The leaked files reportedly contain information about Meta’s secret plan to collect users’ dream data through their pillows, Google’s prototype for a search engine that can find your dignity after doom-scrolling for six hours, and xAI’s groundbreaking research into making Elon Musk seem likable to people who have actually met him.
A staggering 97.3% of industry professionals surveyed agreed that Scale AI’s security practices make the Titanic look like a success story. The remaining 2.7% were too busy laughing to respond.
CORPORATE FALLOUT
“We are taking this matter very seriously,” said Scale AI spokesperson Jane Deflection, while visibly trying to shove papers into a shredder during the Zoom call. “Our security practices were implemented using our proprietary ‘Fingers Crossed’ methodology, which has worked flawlessly until literally anyone tried to test it.”
Meta representatives have refused to comment on whether they regret their $14 billion investment, though anonymous sources report Mark Zuckerberg was seen banging his head against a wall while muttering “I could have just bought Iceland instead” repeatedly.
WHAT’S NEXT?
Scale AI has promised to implement “much better security” moving forward, including such cutting-edge techniques as “actually having passwords” and “not leaving sensitive documents accessible to literally anyone with an internet connection.”
Professor Idon Tgivadamn of the Technical University of No Sh!t explains: “This is like watching someone try to keep water in a colander. At some point, you have to question not just their methods but their fundamental understanding of how objects work.”
As of press time, Scale AI has reportedly hired a new security consultant whose primary qualification appears to be “once watched a movie about hackers” and whose security plan consists entirely of wearing sunglasses indoors and typing really fast.
