TECH GIANTS LAUNCH “TOTALLY ETHICAL” AI PROJECT IN SAUDI ARABIA, PROMISE THIS TIME THE ROBOTS WON’T BEHEAD ANYONE
Saudi Arabia’s Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman beamed with joy yesterday as Amazon and AMD announced plans to invest billions in the kingdom’s AI infrastructure, marking what experts call “the first time cutting-edge technology and medieval human rights practices have merged so beautifully.”
DEMOCRACY.EXE HAS STOPPED WORKING
The multibillion-dollar deals come just as the US administration signals it will help American tech companies sell advanced AI chips to Gulf nations, a decision financial analyst Brad Moneybags describes as “f@#king genius, honestly. Nothing says ‘responsible tech development’ like giving the world’s most powerful computing tools to countries still debating whether women should be allowed to drive cars.”
According to sources familiar with the deals, Amazon plans to invest approximately $5.3 billion to build data centers throughout Saudi Arabia, where they’ll process vast amounts of information while carefully avoiding any questions about human rights. Amazon CEO Andy Jassy reportedly assured investors that the company’s facial recognition technology would “absolutely not” be used to track dissidents, with his fingers crossed behind his back the entire time.
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
Dr. Ethica Lconundrum, professor of Tech Morality at Obvious University, expressed mild concerns about the partnership. “On one hand, you have companies desperate for new markets and governments eager to diversify from oil. On the other hand, you have the entire concept of human dignity. It’s a real toss-up!”
AMD announced it would supply high-performance computing chips to Saudi data centers and establish an “innovation hub” aimed at developing AI applications and training Saudi citizens in advanced technology. Unofficial sources report the first application will be an algorithm that automatically converts tweets critical of the government into prison sentences.
AMERICAN VALUES FOR SALE: INQUIRE WITHIN
A White House spokesperson, speaking on condition of anonymity because they still have a functioning conscience, explained: “Listen, we’re just being pragmatic. About 87% of our foreign policy is selling weapons to questionable regimes, so why not add some semiconductors to the mix? It’s basically the same thing, except these kill democracy more efficiently.”
The deals follow reports that 99.7% of American tech executives can’t locate Saudi Arabia on a map but can immediately identify the shape of a dollar sign from 17 miles away.
ETHICS? NEVER HEARD OF HER
Saudi officials celebrated the deals as part of their Vision 2030 initiative to diversify the economy away from oil dependence. Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman reportedly told aides he was “absolutely thrilled” at the prospect of having technology that could potentially monitor every citizen simultaneously instead of the current inefficient system that requires actual human spies.
Professor Hugh Manityconcerns from the International Center for Obvious Problems noted: “There’s something darkly poetic about American companies that claim to champion progressive values at home while enabling regimes that, you know, don’t. It’s like if Greenpeace started selling flamethrowers to pyromaniacs.”
As of press time, both Amazon and AMD were reportedly working on special AI filters that automatically remove words like “Khashoggi,” “human rights,” and “basic dignity” from all communications within their Saudi data centers, proving once again that when it comes to tech ethics, money talks and morality walks straight to the bank.
