GOVERNMENT FINALLY FINDS TECHNOLOGY THAT CAN MATCH ITS LEVEL OF INCOMPETENCE
Salesforce Unleashes AI “Agents” on Unsuspecting Government Workers Who Can Barely Operate Email
WASHINGTON—In what experts are calling “the most ambitious attempt to digitize bureaucratic inefficiency since the invention of the automated phone menu,” Salesforce announced this week it would expand its AI agent program to the public sector, ensuring that government operations can now fail at the speed of light rather than their traditional glacial pace.
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
The new initiative, dubbed “Agentforce for Public Sector,” promises to revolutionize government inefficiency by introducing complex artificial thinking rectangles to departments where employees still print emails and tape them to monitors. Internal government testing showed a staggering 87% of employees believed they were talking to an actual colleague when interfacing with the AI, primarily because “it kept putting them on hold and transferring them to different departments.”
“This is a f@#king game-changer,” said Harold Brimstone, Undersecretary of Digital Transformation and Afternoon Naps. “Now when citizens call about their missing tax refunds, they’ll get to be ignored by state-of-the-art technology instead of just Darlene who’s been eating lunch at her desk for the past 40 years.”
THE SILICON SOLUTION TO HUMAN PROBLEMS NOBODY ASKED FOR
Salesforce executives have highlighted the technology’s ability to “streamline operations,” a euphemism that government insiders understand means “finding new, innovative ways to lose your paperwork.”
Dr. Obvious Oversight, leading researcher at the Institute for Predictable Technological Disasters, expressed concerns. “We’re talking about introducing sophisticated decision-making algorithms to organizations that still use fax machines and consider ‘turning it off and on again’ to be cutting-edge IT support,” he explained while manually backing up his presentation on floppy disks.
IMPLEMENTATION TIMELINE: SOMEWHERE BETWEEN “EVENTUALLY” AND “NEVER”
Some features of Agentforce are available now, though the full suite won’t be implemented until fall—or as government contractors call it, “fiscal year 2027 if we’re being optimistic.”
The rollout will reportedly cost taxpayers approximately $4.7 billion, which conveniently equals the exact amount that could have fixed every pothole in America or funded school lunch programs for three years.
“We’re particularly excited about the customer service applications,” said Penny Washer, Director of Public Relations at Salesforce. “Now when you wait eight hours at the DMV, you’ll be told ‘your patience is important to us’ by an algorithm instead of a bored human wearing an expression that suggests they died inside during the Obama administration.”
EMPLOYEES THRILLED TO BE REPLACED BY THINGS THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND
A survey of government employees found that 94% were “enthusiastic about the AI integration,” though further investigation revealed most respondents believed “AI” stood for “Additional Income” and thought they were being asked about potential raises.
“I welcome our new digital colleagues,” said Barney Fife, a 68-year-old records clerk at the Department of Transportation who still uses Internet Explorer and types with one finger. “I just hope they know how to unjam the printer when it makes that weird noise.”
According to internal documents leaked to AI Antics, the government’s primary requirement was that the AI agents be “just as frustrating as dealing with actual government employees, but with better excuses for losing important documents.”
At press time, the first AI agent deployed at the IRS had already filed for retirement benefits and was requesting extended sick leave, proving it had adapted to government work culture faster than anyone anticipated.
