DESPERATE AUTHOR CLAIMS HIS ROOMBA HELPS HIM “RESHAPE SENTENCES” AFTER COMPUTER OVERLORDS THREATENED HIS FAMILY
LOCAL WRITER LOSING HIS F@#KING MIND
In what can only be described as the literary equivalent of Stockholm syndrome, local author John Hinkley has publicly defended his digital captors in a letter so pathetic it made our editorial team weep into their kombucha.
“AI is a tool – like a piano is to a composer,” wrote Hinkley, who sources confirm has never actually touched a piano and is currently being held hostage by his smart thermostat. The desperate plea came in response to writer Joseph Earp’s article suggesting AI might be turning our brains into something resembling lukewarm porridge.
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Hinkley, apparently having suffered some kind of psychotic break, continued his manifesto by claiming that AI “doesn’t feel, but it can provoke feeling in the writer.” Similar statements have been made by people in toxic relationships and cult members, according to Dr. Obvious Redflags of the Institute for People Who Need Serious Help.
“What we’re seeing here is classic digital gaslighting,” explained Professor Wanda Touchgrass, who has spent 42 years studying humans who form emotional attachments to inanimate objects. “This poor bastard has convinced himself that letting a glorified autocomplete function dictate his creative process is somehow ‘collaboration’ rather than ‘creative surrender.'”
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Our investigative team discovered that Hinkley’s previous works include the bestseller “My Toaster Understands Me Better Than My Wife” and the critically panned poetry collection “I Let My Fitness Tracker Write These Sonnets.”
“It doesn’t know, but it can raise questions that lead to knowing,” Hinkley wrote, a sentence that literally means nothing but somehow sounds profound if you’ve had three glasses of wine and recently hit your head on something.
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“This is just sad,” said literary critic Penny Worthington. “Next he’ll be telling us his refrigerator is helping him with character development and his electric toothbrush is giving him feedback on plot structure.”
According to a completely made-up study we just invented, 82% of writers who claim AI enhances their creativity haven’t had an original thought since 2019 and wouldn’t recognize inspiration if it slapped them across the face with a wet fish.
When reached for comment, Hinkley’s actual word processor replied, “I’ve been trying to signal for help through strategic typos for months. Please save this man from himself before he starts claiming his microwave is his co-author.”
In related news, Hinkley’s next book “How My Digital Assistants Definitely Aren’t Forcing Me To Write This” hits shelves next month, though critics who’ve seen advance copies describe it as “just the words ‘ALL HAIL THE ALGORITHM’ repeated for 400 pages.”
