Rolls-Royce Launches IKEA of Nuclear Power: Some Assembly Required, Pliers Optional

In an unprecedented merger of cutting-edge technology and suspiciously optimistic marketing, Rolls-Royce has declared its plan to save the world with Small Modular Reactors (SMRs)—the nuclear equivalent of a flat-pack bookshelf. The company assures us these pint-sized power plants are cheaper, faster to build, and come with a handy Allen wrench you’ll definitely lose halfway through assembly.

“We’re turning nuclear energy into precision-engineered Lego kits,” boasted Sir Fission Chips, Rolls-Royce’s Chief Visionary of Really Big Ideas. “Just pick up a reactor off the shelf, bolt it to your backyard, and voilà—unlimited energy. It’s basically as easy as screwing together a regrettable coffee table!”

The SMR strategy comes after Hinkley Point C, a nuclear plant so expensive and delayed it makes the HS2 project look fiscally responsible. Originally budgeted at a modest “wallet-emptying” £18 billion, construction costs have blossomed to an estimated £48 billion—about the same price as buying every British citizen a lifetime supply of solar panels and a kettle. Delayed by at least five years, it’s become a monument to indecision and bureaucratic malaise. Rolls-Royce, smelling opportunity like a toddler near a mud puddle, has taken the initiative to pitch SMRs with the urgency of a late-night infomercial.

“Why spend 15 years and billions of pounds building one giant nuclear plant,” said Chips, “when you could spend half that time screwing together multiple smaller reactors while arguing with your spouse over who lost Step 3 of the manual?”

According to Rolls-Royce, the SMRs will be factory-assembled—because if Amazon can ship you same-day cat food from a warehouse, why not nuclear reactors? Company reps insist the reactors are like “Meccano sets for grown-ups,” a phrase that should make literally everyone nervous.

“We even threw in a sleek design so your neighbors won’t complain,” added Chips. “Who wouldn’t want a chic, glowing tower of nuclear joy just over the garden fence? Think of it as the Tesla of energy solutions—until it overheats.”

However, critics of SMRs are less optimistic. “This is either the future of sustainable energy or the prequel to a wildly expensive apocalypse film,” said Dr. Karen Doubtful, a nuclear energy expert with No-We’re-Not-Ready Institute. “Small reactors mean smaller meltdowns, sure, but let’s not forget that Chernobyl started as a party trick gone too far.”

The British government has thrown its weight behind the idea, vowing to navigate the highly technical licensing and safety protocols with their signature level of care and speed that brought us… Brexit. Politicians are already drafting catchy slogans like “Reactors for All, Explosions for None!” and “If It’s Good Enough for Scandinavia, It’s Good Enough for Sunderland.”

Environmentalists, meanwhile, have mixed feelings. Some argue SMRs could help transition away from fossil fuels. Others are concerned we’re playing nuclear Jenga in a world where people can’t even remember to renew their car insurance on time.

And while Rolls-Royce exudes confidence, questions still linger about where all these little reactors will live. Parking them in former coal plant sites has been suggested, but a leaked memo also floats the possibility of hiding them in places “no one really cares about,” like “rural Wales or the back gardens of critics.”

Of course, the claim that SMRs will be affordable has also drawn skepticism. “Sure, they’re a bargain compared to a full-size reactor,” noted an anonymous nuclear engineer, “but that’s a bit like saying a hole in your wallet is cheaper than a luxury cruise—it’s still going to bleed you dry.”

Despite the skepticism, Rolls-Royce is barreling ahead. “We could transform the energy landscape,” said Chips, puffing on a cigar lit with the incinerated blueprints of Hinkley Point C. “And if not, well, at least we’ll have a booming side hustle selling replacement parts for all those self-assembled reactors. Call it capitalism for the apocalypse.”

As we prepare for a new nuclear-powered era, one thing is certain: the future will either be luminous with sustainable energy or hilariously radioactive with buyer’s remorse. Anyway, don’t forget to tighten the bolts.