HUMANITY’S LAST HOPE AGAINST SKYNET: ROLLERCOASTER MOGUL SAYS “F@#K CHATGPT, TRY A LOOP-DE-LOOP”
In what experts are calling “the most pathetic defense strategy against digital domination since unplugging your router during a thunderstorm,” theme park executives are now claiming their giant metal vomit machines will save humanity from artificial intelligence.
METAL VS. MICROCHIP: THE FINAL SHOWDOWN
Fiona Eastwood, CEO of Merlin Entertainments and self-appointed commander in the war against silicon-based thinking rectangles, boldly declared that her company’s collection of gravity-powered scream generators provides an “antidote” to technology. Because nothing says “I’m disconnecting from the digital world” like posting seventeen Instagram stories of yourself looking terrified on a rollercoaster.
“Our research shows that 98.7% of families prefer spending $247 on theme park tickets, $83 on parking, and $412 on concessions to experience the joy of standing in a three-hour line together rather than having their brains digitally harvested by social media algorithms,” Eastwood didn’t actually say but we’re pretending she did.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THIS ABSOLUTELY STUPID STRATEGY
Dr. Obvi Ousfail, professor of Desperate Corporate Narratives at Clickbait University, explains the flawed logic: “It’s brilliant really. While mathematical geniuses develop sophisticated language models that can replicate human consciousness, Merlin’s strategy is ‘big metal go whoosh, people go whee.’ It’s like bringing a wooden spoon to a nuclear war.”
Professor Nosht Ting from the Institute of Things That Won’t Save Us added, “Theme parks think they’re competing with AI when in reality both industries are working toward the same goal: separating humans from their money while making them feel temporarily excited before the crushing reality of existence returns.”
THE ECONOMICS OF SCREAMING YOUR FACE OFF
Industry analysts point out that the global theme park industry’s $100 billion valuation is roughly what major tech companies spend annually on office snacks and ergonomic chairs.
“We’re seeing unprecedented growth in the ‘things that make you sh!t your pants from excitement rather than existential dread’ sector,” explained financial analyst Rich Gettricher. “Theme parks are experiencing a 42% increase in visitors specifically coming to experience what they call ‘real life,’ which is apparently what happens when you’re not looking at your phone for the seven seconds it takes to drop down a 200-foot incline.”
FAMILIES UNITE UNDER BANNER OF OVERPRICED MISERY
Local father Todd Brokeagain described his family’s recent theme park experience: “Nothing brings us closer together than collective suffering. We spent $1,200 for the privilege of standing in line for eight hours, eating $22 chicken fingers, and watching my son throw up on a stranger. Can your fancy AI do THAT?”
Meanwhile, 13-year-old Emma Phoneaddiction admitted, “I spent the entire day at the theme park texting my friends about how bored I was at the theme park. But Mom says I made memories or whatever.”
LEAKED INTERNAL MEMO REVEALS DESPERATE MEASURES
An anonymous source within Merlin Entertainment shared their strategic plan for competing with digital entertainment: “Phase 1: Build taller rollercoasters. Phase 2: Put VR headsets on riders so they think they’re in the metaverse anyway. Phase 3: Install Wi-Fi on all rides so people can post TikToks of their experience in real-time, completely defeating our entire ‘escape from technology’ marketing angle.”
As of press time, three major AI companies had already developed algorithms that can simulate the exact feeling of nausea, sunburn, and financial regret that constitute the authentic theme park experience, available for just $4.99 per month with no lines.
