NATION WITH IMPECCABLE HUMAN RIGHTS RECORD REPLACES ACTUAL HUMANS WITH ROBOTS THAT DEFINITELY WON’T TRACK YOUR EVERY MOVE
SHENZHEN, CHINA – In what experts are calling “totally not f@#king terrifying at all,” China has begun deploying an army of humanoid workers and surveillance buggies that absolutely, positively won’t be used to monitor citizens’ every breath, thought, and karaoke selection.
The initiative, part of China’s “Replace All Humans Because They’re So Annoying With Their ‘Rights’ And ‘Opinions'” campaign, has already seen tremendous success in Shenzhen’s Central Park, where teenage girls can now have their impromptu singalongs interrupted by buzzing delivery drones instead of the traditional method of being shushed by elderly park-goers.
WHY HAVE HUMAN WORKERS WHEN YOU CAN HAVE GLORIFIED TOASTERS?
China’s leadership believes artificial intelligence is the key to solving all of society’s problems, including the inconvenient tendency of humans to reproduce at rates insufficient to maintain economic growth.
“The beauty of silicon-based thinking rectangles is they never need bathroom breaks, maternity leave, or therapy after being screamed at by customers,” explained Dr. Wei Watchyu, head of Shenzhen’s Department of Definitely Not Building Skynet. “Plus, they collect absolutely no data whatsoever about citizens. That buzzing sound? Just the sweet melody of efficiency, not terabytes of facial recognition data being uploaded to government servers.”
DELIVERY ROBOTS: BRINGING YOU FOOD AND DEFINITELY NOTHING ELSE
The “airdrop cabinets” in Shenzhen’s Central Park represent the pinnacle of convenience, allowing park-goers to order anything from noodles to bubble tea without the hassle of human interaction.
“I love ordering from the robot,” gushed 17-year-old Lin Wei, unaware that her preference for extra tapioca pearls had already been cross-referenced with her school attendance record, social media posts, and the time she jaywalked in 2022. “It’s so convenient, and it only took three facial scans, a blood sample, and my grandmother’s maiden name to set up an account!”
EXPERTS SAY THIS IS ALL VERY NORMAL AND COOL
Professor Hugh Manning-Farce of the Institute for Pretending Everything’s Fine claims that China’s rapid deployment of embodied AI is simply about economic efficiency.
“Look, 97.8% of surveillance is for your protection,” Manning-Farce insisted while glancing nervously at his phone. “The other 112% is just to make sure your food delivery preferences are optimized. Statistics don’t lie.”
THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT AND TOTALLY OPTIONAL
According to government officials, participation in China’s AI-driven society is completely voluntary, just like voting, breathing, and existing.
“Citizens are free to opt out of our convenient robot-delivered services,” stated Meituan spokesperson Li Ying Toyou. “They simply need to fill out form XJ-78B, available exclusively via our facial-recognition app, then wait in line at our customer service center located in an undisclosed mountain range. Most people find it easier to just accept their new silicon overlords and the complimentary social credit score adjustment that comes with each purchase.”
At press time, the teenage girls in the park had all received personalized text messages suggesting they might want to consider singing patriotic songs instead of those K-pop hits they’ve been secretly downloading. Just a friendly suggestion from their new metal friends who are absolutely, definitely not watching their every move.
