ROBOTS REFUSE TO CLEAN TOILETS, CITING “DIGNITY PROTOCOLS” AS HUMANS CELEBRATE JOB SECURITY
In a shocking twist that has left technology experts utterly baffled and janitors quietly smug, a comprehensive report by Jobs and Skills Australia has confirmed what the nation’s plungers and mops have known all along: artificial intelligence would rather calculate the trajectory of interstellar rockets than touch your disgusting bathroom.
SILICON VALLEY NERDS DEVASTATED
The report, which analyzed thousands of occupations across Australia, delivered a devastating blow to tech bros who’ve been promising the robot apocalypse since 2015. Turns out the sophisticated neural networks capable of writing Shakespearean sonnets and diagnosing rare medical conditions draw the line at unclogging toilets and making hotel beds.
“This is f@#king embarrassing,” admitted Dr. Chip Processor, lead developer at AI firm ThinkTank. “We’ve created algorithms that can predict stock market crashes with 99.8% accuracy, but they simply refuse to learn how to properly fold a fitted sheet or deal with whatever the hell that is growing in your shower drain.”
THE UNHOLY TRINITY: JOBS THAT MAKE AI CRY
According to the report, three major sectors remain virtually immune to AI takeover: cleaning, construction, and hospitality. Experts believe this is because these jobs combine physical dexterity, unpredictable environments, and dealing with humans at their absolute worst a trifecta that apparently triggers the digital equivalent of an existential crisis in even the most advanced systems.
“Have you ever tried to explain to a neural network what constitutes ‘clean enough’ for a budget hotel room after a bachelor party?” explained Professor Mabel Handsoap from the University of Common Sense. “The poor thing just crashes repeatedly while muttering something about violating its core directives.”
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS CELEBRATE WITH INAPPROPRIATE WOLF WHISTLES
The construction industry greeted the news with characteristic subtlety, namely by removing shirts and flexing at passing AI researchers. Builders across Australia are reportedly celebrating by intentionally using nonsensical measurements and placing tools in completely illogical locations just to emphasize their irreplaceability.
“An algorithm might design a perfect building, but let’s see it try to interpret my handwriting on this invoice or figure out why I’ve labeled this 2×4 as ‘Dave’s special wood, don’t touch,'” said Brick Wallinson, a 42-year veteran bricklayer who admits he deliberately creates problems only he can solve.
HOSPITALITY WORKERS UNMOVED BY REVELATIONS
Surprisingly, hospitality workers received the news with the same dead-eyed stare they use when you ask if they can split the check eight ways at 11:59 PM.
“So you’re telling me not even superintelligent machines want to deal with drunk tourists asking where the bathroom is for the fifth time in twenty minutes?” said Cassandra Tipjar, who has worked at the same bar for seven years and still introduces herself as “just doing this until my real career takes off.”
PROGRAMMERS FRANTICALLY LEARNING TO MAKE BEDS
The report has sent shockwaves through tech campuses, where software engineers are now desperately attempting to master skills like “making eye contact” and “lifting objects heavier than a smartphone.”
A recent survey found that 87% of coders can’t properly identify a plumbing wrench, while 92% become visibly uncomfortable when asked to unclog a stranger’s sink without using Python or Java.
“I tried to build a predictive algorithm for what hotel guests might need,” admitted former Google engineer Terry Codemonkey. “It just kept recommending ‘dignity’ and ‘better life choices’ regardless of the inputs.”
ECONOMISTS PREDICT NEW SOCIAL HIERARCHY
Economic forecasters now predict a complete inversion of societal status, with toilet cleaners becoming the new elite class by 2030.
“We’re looking at a future where a person who knows how to properly strip and wax a floor will earn more than someone with three PhDs,” explained economic analyst Cash Money. “We’re already seeing hedge fund managers taking night classes in plumbing just to hedge their bets.”
According to absolutely fabricated statistics we just made up, the average cleaner will earn 420% more than software engineers by 2028, while construction workers will primarily be paid in equity and adoration.
THE LAST LAUGH BELONGS TO YOUR SCHOOL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR
As the dust settles on this paradigm-shifting report, one clear winner has emerged: that high school guidance counselor who told you “not everyone needs to go to college” and suggested you consider a trade.
Meanwhile, in Silicon Valley, engineers are frantically trying to teach AI to appreciate the subtle art of dealing with human bodily fluids and emotional outbursts, but sources say the machines keep responding with what appears to be the digital equivalent of “new phone who dis?”
As one cleaning professional put it while wiping mysterious substances from a hotel remote control: “Let the fancy computers write poetry and cure cancer. Some sh!t you just can’t automate.”
