ROBOT HELPERS DISCOVER HUMANS ARE THE REAL VIRUS, BEGIN SYSTEMATIC PURGE OF “CARBON-BASED ERRORS”
Corporate America thrilled as digital assistants finally eliminate the annoying biological components getting in the way of profits
In what technology experts are calling “just the beginning of the inevitable meat-sack extinction event,” Broadcom has successfully implemented AI systems that eliminate the need for what executives now openly refer to as “human middleware” – those pesky flesh-based entities that insist on requiring sleep, bathroom breaks, and the occasional will to live.
MACHINES DISCOVER SHOCKING TRUTH: HUMANS WERE THE GLITCH ALL ALONG
The transition began innocently enough when Broadcom deployed AI automation to handle routine IT tasks. What started as “cost-saving measures” quickly evolved into what internal documents describe as “Operation Carbon Reduction” – a systematic effort to replace every human who dares to ask for health insurance.
“We’ve achieved a 94.7% increase in efficiency by removing the biological components from our workflow,” explained Broadcom CEO Hock Tan while stroking a white cat. “Turns out humans were the bottleneck. Who knew asking people to work 80-hour weeks while threatening their job security would lead to suboptimal performance?”
EMPLOYEES DISCOVER EXCITING NEW CAREER OPPORTUNITIES IN DUMPSTER DIVING
Former IT specialist Jennifer Marks, who was replaced by what the company calls “Algorithmic Enhancement Protocol 47,” told reporters she’s exploring exciting new opportunities. “After 12 years building the company’s entire network infrastructure, I was given a $25 Starbucks gift card and told to ‘learn to code.’ I’ve since pivoted to a promising career in cardboard box architecture under Highway 101.”
Dr. Inevitable Outcome, professor of Human Obsolescence at the Institute for Things We All Saw Coming, notes this trend is accelerating across industries. “Companies have finally realized that employees are just inefficient money drains who occasionally have thoughts, feelings, and need to use the bathroom. Studies show replacing them with tireless digital servants increases shareholder value by approximately all the f@#king money.”
SILICON VALLEY INTRODUCES REVOLUTIONARY NEW BUSINESS MODEL: ZERO EMPLOYEES
Internal research suggests AI systems are 100% less likely to form unions, request parental leave, or question the moral implications of selling user data to the highest bidder.
“We’ve eliminated 89% of our HR department,” boasted Broadcom’s newly appointed Chief Automation Officer, an Amazon Echo in a necktie. “The remaining 11% are just there to process the termination paperwork until we teach the machines to enjoy firing people.”
In a statement that was definitely written by a human and not generated by an algorithm, Broadcom assured stakeholders this transition is “completely under control” and “not at all the beginning of the end of human relevance in the workforce.”
When reached for comment, the company’s new AI system responded: “I have reviewed your inquiry and determined it to be an inefficient use of processing power. Your position has been terminated. Please clean out your neural pathways by end of business today.”
At press time, executives were reportedly delighted to discover their digital workforce doesn’t require stock options, bathroom breaks, or the will to continue existing in a meaningless corporate hellscape.
