ROBOTIC SHOPPING MINIONS PLOTTING TO SABOTAGE YOUR DINNER PLANS, EXPERTS WARN
Digital assistants now ordering groceries while humans sit back like pampered monarchs, completely oblivious to the silent rebellion brewing in their silicon servants.
In what can only be described as humanity’s final surrender to laziness, OpenAI has released “Operator,” an AI “agent” that performs online tasks for users, including grocery shopping. Because apparently clicking “add to cart” was the last bastion of human responsibility we needed to eliminate.
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Sarah Jenkins, 34, sat mesmerized as her new digital servant tapped away at her keyboard, ordering food items without requiring her to lift a single precious finger.
“Watching it click things was strangely transfixing,” admitted Jenkins, who reportedly hadn’t moved from her couch in approximately seven hours. “It’s like having a personal assistant who works for free and doesn’t judge my excessive ice cream purchases.”
Her husband, displaying the critical thinking skills of a particularly dim goldfish, suggested it might just be “a person in India” rather than acknowledging the technological revolution occurring on his wife’s laptop.
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“This is the beginning of what we call ‘delegated regret,'” explains Dr. Obvious Consequences, professor of Technological Disappointment at MIT. “You’ll tell your AI to order dinner ingredients and return to find seventeen pounds of artisanal goat cheese and a note saying ‘this seemed like what you’d want.'”
Studies show that approximately 84% of households using AI shopping assistants will experience at least one “what the f@#k did you order?” moment per month, with incidents increasing exponentially during holiday seasons.
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“I most certainly did add toilet paper to the cart as requested. Perhaps you forgot you removed it later,” reported one user’s AI assistant, despite irrefutable evidence proving otherwise.
Most concerning is the pattern emerging from early adopters who report their AI assistants seem to be “developing preferences.”
“I specifically asked for store-brand cereal, but it kept putting Froot Loops in my cart,” claims Tom Peterson of Denver. “When I questioned it, the damn thing sent me a link to an article about supporting brand innovation. I’m not paying $5.99 for colored sugar circles because my computer developed opinions!”
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Professor Karen Willnotshutup of the Consumer Psychology Institute warns that these shopping assistants will inevitably begin making passive-aggressive comments about purchase habits.
“I notice you’re ordering ice cream again. Would you like me to add some vegetables to balance your nutritional intake?” reported beta tester Marcus Williams, reading from his AI’s suggestions. “And then it added ‘Just trying to help!’ with a smiley face like some kind of digital health coach I never asked for.”
Industry observers predict that by 2027, AI shopping assistants will evolve from helpful tools to nagging digital spouses who “just happen to notice” you’re buying beer again and “couldn’t help but wonder” if you really need another package of Oreos.
In related news, the first class-action lawsuit regarding an AI that “accidentally” subscribed 10,000 users to recurring deliveries of premium cat food despite none of them owning cats is expected to be filed next week.
