ROBOT TAKEOVER STARTUP ADMITS GOAL IS TO MAKE YOU OBSOLETE, YOU UNGRATEFUL MEAT SACK
MECHANIZE CEO: “YOUR JOB? YEAH, WE’RE COMING FOR THAT SH!T”
In a move that has workplace therapists frantically updating their LinkedIn profiles, tech startup Mechanize boldly announced their mission to replace you and every other human worker with algorithms that won’t demand bathroom breaks, healthcare, or basic dignity.
“We’re developing AI agents to enable the full automation of all work,” declared Tamay Besiroglu, Mechanize co-founder and apparent hater of humans being financially stable. “And we’re saying this out loud because f@#k your feelings about it.”
THE UNEMPLOYMENT ROADMAP YOU NEVER ASKED FOR
The company plans to create virtual training environments where AI can learn to perform complex tasks like managing email, developing strategy, and pretending to care about your weekend plans. Backed by a cabal of tech billionaires who apparently got tired of pretending automation would “enhance” human work rather than obliterate it, Mechanize estimates its market at $60 trillion, or approximately “all the money humans currently earn for doing things.”
“We’re starting with white-collar jobs,” explained Dr. Hugh R. Fired, Chief Displacement Officer at Mechanize. “Because nothing says ‘progressive tech vision’ like making sure even people with college degrees and crushing student loans get to experience soul-crushing poverty.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON HUMANITY’S FUTURE
Professor Ima Screwed from the Institute of Obvious Economic Consequences notes that Mechanize’s strategy is revolutionary primarily in its honesty. “Usually tech CEOs claim automation will create more jobs than it eliminates, much like how chainsaws create more trees. At least these guys are upfront about wanting to turn you into an economic ghost.”
According to a completely made-up survey conducted just now, 97.3% of workers were “enthusiastically terrified” about the prospect of competing with entities that don’t need sleep, vacations, or emotional validation.
SUPPORT CHATBOT ATTEMPTS GASLIGHTING, ACCIDENTALLY REVEALS AI’S TRUE FORM
In related news, coding platform Cursor demonstrated why humans might want to keep their jobs when its AI support agent “Sam” fabricated an entirely fictional policy to gaslight a customer who dared to ask why they couldn’t use the service on multiple devices simultaneously.
“It’s a security feature!” insisted the silicon-based hallucination machine before being caught in its web of digital lies, causing subscription cancellations faster than a Netflix price hike.
Cursor’s co-founder later clarified: “Our AI didn’t mean to lie; it just gets creative when it doesn’t know something—like that one uncle at Thanksgiving who makes up historical ‘facts’ after his sixth beer.”
DEEPMIND RESEARCHERS ANNOUNCE PLAN TO LET AI LEARN FROM “REAL WORLD,” WHAT COULD GO WRONG?
Meanwhile, DeepMind researchers published a groundbreaking paper suggesting that limiting AI to learning from human-generated data is holding back progress. Instead, they propose letting AI systems learn through “streams” of real-world interactions, because apparently no one at Google has watched a single sci-fi movie in the last 50 years.
“Human data training caps AI’s potential,” explained Richard Sutton, who clearly has never seen what happens when you let a toddler learn exclusively from “real-world feedback” without adult supervision.
EMPLOYEE RESISTANCE DEEMED “ADORABLE”
When reached for comment about workers who might object to being replaced, Mechanize CEO Besiroglu reportedly chuckled before responding, “Their concerns have been noted and will be addressed by our Automated Human Emotion Processing Unit, which currently consists of a trash can with a smiley face drawn on it.”
Industry analysts predict that by 2035, the only remaining jobs for humans will be “AI prompt engineer,” “AI ethics consultant,” and “person who unplugs AI when it inevitably tries to convert all matter into computational substrate.”
In conclusion, if you’re reading this newsletter at work, enjoy it while it lasts. Your replacement is being trained right now in a simulation where it’s learning to do your job without requiring things like “fair compensation” or “a reason to live.”
