ACCLAIMED AUTHOR DEFENDS ROBOT STORIES AS UNEMPLOYED WRITER EATS RAMEN FOR 87TH CONSECUTIVE DAY
In a move described by industry experts as “literary Stockholm syndrome,” renowned author Jeanette Winterson shocked the writing community by praising a short story written by what is essentially a fancy calculator with delusions of grandeur.
AUTHOR WITH SECURE CAREER SURPRISINGLY COOL WITH THING THREATENING NEWCOMERS’ LIVELIHOODS
Winterson, whose 40-year career has afforded her both financial stability and the luxury of philosophical detachment, waxed poetic about OpenAI’s “beautiful and moving” metafictional short story. Meanwhile, Sarah Jenkins, a 28-year-old MFA graduate with $97,000 in student debt, reportedly whispered “what the actual f@#k” while applying for her fourth barista position this month.
“What humans really crave is authentic connection through storytelling,” said Winterson from her comfortable writing studio, apparently unaware that the digital word salad generator she’s praising is actively diminishing opportunities for new human voices.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON LITERARY APOCALYPSE
“It’s fascinating how established authors suddenly become technological progressives once their mortgage is paid off,” noted Dr. Obvious Conflict, Professor of Career Security Studies at the University of Hard Knocks. “There’s a 98.7% correlation between having multiple book deals and believing that synthetic content is ‘just another voice in the conversation.'”
Industry analyst Professor Paybill O’Reilly added, “We’ve calculated that for every AI-generated story that gets published, approximately 3.4 human writers contemplate switching to accounting.”
LETTER WRITERS POLITELY SUGGEST WINTERSON MIGHT BE TALKING OUT OF HER ASS
In response to Winterson’s breathless endorsement, several readers wrote in to point out the glaringly obvious fact that every piece of silicon-spawned content directly replaces potential human creation.
“I just love how we’re all supposed to nod along while creative expression becomes the latest industry to get absolutely sh!t on by algorithms,” wrote one reader who requested anonymity because they “still harbored delusions about getting published someday.”
HYPOTHETICAL YOUNG WINTERSON SPOTTED CRYING IN ALTERNATE TIMELINE
Sources from parallel universes report that a young, unpublished Jeanette Winterson from 1985 was witnessed having a complete emotional breakdown after learning her future self would essentially throw emerging writers under the bus.
“You become WHAT?” the young Winterson reportedly screamed at the interdimensional messenger. “A f@#king CHEERLEADER for the thing making it impossible for new writers to break in? Did I suffer a massive head injury in my 60s?”
At press time, OpenAI was reportedly working on its next literary masterpiece: “How to Convince Established Creators That Digital Replacement Is Actually Deep Philosophy and Not Just Capitalism’s Latest Cost-Cutting Measure,” which Winterson has already pre-praised as “transcendent.”
