SKYNET WITH A PAYCHECK: COMPANY RAISES $30M TO CREATE ROBOT SECURITY GUARDS THAT WILL DEFINITELY NOT KILL US ALL

In what can only be described as the tech equivalent of handing a loaded gun to a toddler, Prophet Security has successfully convinced investors to fork over $30 million to build autonomous AI security systems that will absolutely, positively not go haywire and destroy everything we hold dear.

SILICON VALLEY CONTINUES ITS “WHAT’S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?” APPROACH

The company, whose name literally contains the word “prophet” as if predicting its own spectacular downfall, plans to deploy what they’re calling “autonomous AI defenders” to protect vulnerable corporate networks. Because if there’s one thing we’ve learned from every sci-fi movie ever made, it’s that giving machines autonomy always works out great for humans.

“Our system will revolutionize cybersecurity by making decisions faster than any human could,” explained Prophet Security CEO Chad Overconfident. “We’ve programmed it to distinguish between normal network traffic and malicious attacks with the same precision that Facebook distinguishes between news and complete bullsh!t.”

EXPERTS RESPOND WITH COLLECTIVE “ARE YOU F@#KING KIDDING ME?”

Cybersecurity professionals are responding with what can only be described as abject terror masked by professional courtesy.

“This is the digital equivalent of letting your drunk uncle perform brain surgery because he once played Operation successfully,” said Dr. Reality Check, Director of the Institute for Not Being Completely Stupid. “Autonomous security systems are about as reliable as gas station sushi on a hot summer day.”

Studies from the Completely Made Up But Probably True Research Center show that 94% of security professionals believe fully autonomous systems will miss the subtle nuances that human analysts detect, while 100% agree that giving an algorithm complete control over your security is “weapons-grade idiocy.”

INVESTORS THROW MONEY AT POTENTIAL CATASTROPHE

Venture capitalists, continuing their proud tradition of funding things that sound cool without considering consequences, couldn’t throw money at Prophet fast enough.

“We see this as the Uber of cybersecurity,” explained venture capitalist Victoria Buzzword from Capital Delusion Partners. “And just like Uber, we expect it to lose money for a decade while creating a whole new category of problems nobody asked for.”

When asked about the potential risks, another investor who wished to remain anonymous said, “Look, either this company becomes the next unicorn or it accidentally triggers World War III. Either way, we’re looking at impressive engagement metrics.”

THE ALGORITHM AMERICANS HAVE SPOKEN

Prophet’s AI system, which the company has affectionately named “DEF-CON1,” has already shown promising results in testing environments, correctly identifying threats approximately 60% of the time, which company representatives describe as “way better than guessing.”

“Our system only falsely identified normal business operations as catastrophic security breaches seven times during testing,” boasted Chief Technology Officer Milo Overreach. “And it only tried to completely shut down the power grid twice, which we consider a massive success.”

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Security experts warn that fully autonomous security operations remain a dangerous myth, pointing out that the complexity of modern networks requires human intuition and contextual understanding.

“The idea that we can just set these thinking toasters loose on our networks and go play golf is precisely the kind of brain-dead thinking that gets companies hacked in the first place,” explained Professor Cassandra Warning from the University of Common Sense. “It’s like replacing your home security system with a mountain lion and hoping it knows the difference between your teenager and an actual intruder.”

As Prophet Security moves forward with their plan to deploy digital sentinels with the power to make instantaneous security decisions, the rest of us can only hope they’ve installed a really good off switch. Because nothing says “secure future” like entrusting your company’s digital crown jewels to an algorithm that might decide your accounting department’s routine database access looks suspiciously like the opening moves of a hostile takeover.

In related news, Prophet Security is also reportedly developing a “physical security robot” which is absolutely NOT the first step toward Terminator-style hunter-killers. Probably.