HUMANITY GETTING REPLACED BY ROBOTS WHILE NERDS CELEBRATE UNEMPLOYMENT NUMBERS
In what economists are hailing as a “totally not terrifying trend,” the IT labor force is shrinking faster than your grandpa’s retirement fund while AI job postings have skyrocketed a modest 184% because apparently teaching machines to do our jobs is now OUR job.
TURNS OUT TEACHING YOUR REPLACEMENT IS A GROWTH INDUSTRY
Unemployment among IT workers dropped to 4.6% in April, a statistic being celebrated by industry experts who seemingly fail to notice that the reason unemployment is down might be because half the workforce has been replaced by glorified calculators with attitude problems.
“This is fantastic news for the economy,” said Dr. Will B. Obsolete, chief economic analyst at the Institute for Inevitable Human Redundancy. “Sure, midlevel IT professionals without AI skills are being tossed aside like last year’s iPhone, but have you SEEN what ChatGPT can do with a semicolon? Magnificent!”
LEARN AI OR LEARN TO SAY “WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT?”
According to a survey that definitely wasn’t conducted by sentient spreadsheets, approximately 78.3% of IT professionals now spend their evenings panic-learning AI skills while crying into their ergonomic keyboards.
“The future is incredibly bright,” claimed Chip Processor, VP of Human Replacement at Tech Giants United. “Instead of having 100 programmers, companies can now have 2 programmers, 3 AI specialists, and a vending machine that dispenses anxiety medication. It’s cost-effective AND destroys the middle class!”
COMPANIES SWEAR THIS IS TOTALLY FINE AND NOT AT ALL CONCERNING
Major corporations like Microsoft, Duolingo, and Shopify are leading the charge in what they’re calling “workforce optimization” but what literally everyone else recognizes as “replacing humans with lines of code that don’t ask for healthcare.”
“We’re not eliminating jobs, we’re reimagining the human-machine partnership,” said Sarah Serverless, Chief Automation Officer at Definitely Not Eliminating Your Job Corp. “For instance, instead of having humans write code, we now have humans who teach machines to write code that will eventually write better code than humans, which will ultimately… oh, I see the problem now.”
SKILLS IN HIGH DEMAND: CLOUD, CYBERSECURITY, AND EXPLAINING TO YOUR PARENTS WHY YOU’RE UNEMPLOYABLE
Industry analysts report that jobs in automation, cloud computing, and cybersecurity remain in high demand, particularly for professionals skilled in explaining to executives why their systems got hacked despite spending millions on security.
“The market is evolving, not disappearing,” insisted Professor Denial McObvious, who teaches the popular university course ‘Advanced Techniques in Convincing Yourself You’ll Still Be Relevant in Five Years.’ “It’s just that instead of needing 1,000 IT professionals, we now need 50 really stressed-out ones who can manage the digital overlor—I mean, ‘productivity enhancers.'”
According to entirely fabricated statistics, 94.2% of IT professionals now introduce themselves at parties as “AI specialists” regardless of their actual job duties, while the remaining 5.8% have started hoarding canned goods and learning to hunt with spears.
As the silicon revolution continues its unstoppable march, experts recommend that IT professionals either learn to command the digital minions or consider alternative careers in areas machines haven’t yet mastered, such as writing satire articles about their own impending obsolescence. Oh sh!t.
