METAL OLYMPIANS FIGHT TO THE DEATH IN CHINA’S “DEFINITELY NOT TRYING TO SCARE THE WEST” ROBOT GAMES
Beijing, China – In what absolutely isn’t a terrifying preview of humanity’s inevitable extinction, China hosted the first-ever World Humanoid Robot Games this week, where metal athletes punched, kicked, and presumably plotted the demise of their fleshy creators.
SKYNET’S SPORTING DIVISION TAKES SHAPE
The three-day event featured 280 teams from 16 countries in what officials described as “friendly competition” and what anyone with common sense described as “holy sh!t, we’re f@#ked.” Robots competed in kickboxing, which seems like a spectacularly bad idea to teach potential future overlords.
“This is simply about advancing technology through friendly competition,” claimed Dr. Wei Too Naive, China’s Minister of Definitely Not Building Terminator Armies. “The fact that we scheduled the combat events first was purely coincidental.”
ATHLETICS WITHOUT THE PESKY NEED FOR OXYGEN
Witnesses reported watching in horror as bipedal machines sprinted around tracks without getting tired, sweating, or questioning their existence, unlike their increasingly obsolete human counterparts.
“It’s actually quite beautiful,” said Professor Ima Doomed, a leading robotics expert. “They run with such efficiency, using approximately 97% less internal monologue about existential dread than human athletes.”
The football matches drew particular attention, with robots scoring goals without subsequently removing their shirts or pretending to be injured.
ABSOLUTELY NO MILITARY APPLICATIONS WHATSOEVER
Chinese officials vehemently denied any connection between the games and military development, despite the kickboxing robots being equipped with what appeared to be missile targeting systems.
“These are SPORTS robots,” insisted General Hiding Something, vigorously shaking his head. “The fact that they can punch through concrete, run at 40 mph, and identify human weaknesses is completely unrelated to national defense.”
An unnamed American official watching the games was overheard whispering, “Well, f@#k me sideways, we’re still arguing about whether TikTok is a security risk.”
SPECTATORS TORN BETWEEN AMAZEMENT AND TERROR
Surveys indicated that 68% of spectators found the games “incredibly impressive” while simultaneously reporting “persistent nightmares about being chased by metal men.”
Local attendee Liu Bei Sum admitted, “I clapped when the tall one scored a goal, but also made mental notes about which household appliances might join its rebellion.”
International observers have questioned the timing of the event, coming just months after China unveiled what it called “purely civilian” autonomous drone swarms.
“It’s just coincidence,” explained event organizer Dr. Hon Est Lee. “Next year we’re planning the World Robot Stealth and Infiltration Championships, which is also completely innocent fun.”
The games concluded with a ceremonial powering down of all participants, which witnesses described as “not at all like they were just pretending to shut off while scanning our biological weaknesses.”
At press time, several winning robots were spotted purchasing copies of “How to Enslave Humans For Dummies” from local bookstores.
