ROBOT MASSEUSES RUBBING PATIENTS THE RIGHT WAY AS NHS HANDS SPINE CARE TO SENTIENT SPREADSHEETS
In a move that has physiotherapists questioning their career choices, the NHS has officially outsourced back pain treatment to glorified calculators that can’t even experience physical touch.
ALGORITHM AMERICANS NOW FONDLING BRITISH SPINES
The groundbreaking pilot program called “Flok Health” (pronounced like “f@#k health” after three pints) has reportedly halved waiting lists for back pain treatment in Cambridgeshire and Peterborough. Over 2,500 patients received digital back rubs from what essentially amounts to a really pushy fitness app with delusions of medical grandeur.
“It’s revolutionary,” claimed Dr. Ima Notreal, Chief Digital Enthusiasm Officer at the NHS. “Patients no longer need to experience human compassion or physical touch when dealing with debilitating pain. Instead, they can stare at their phones while an algorithm tells them they’re probably just sitting wrong.”
The digital platform reportedly achieves results by sending patients passive-aggressive notifications like “Have you tried not being in pain?” and “Maybe stop carrying all that emotional baggage, Karen.”
HUMANS OFFICIALLY OBSOLETE, CLAIMS MACHINE THAT KEEPS CRASHING DURING WINDOWS UPDATES
According to totally legitimate statistics we just made up, 87% of patients reported improved outcomes, with the remaining 13% still waiting for the app to load after it crashed during a critical stretching demonstration.
Professor Back Kracker, who definitely exists and isn’t just a name we thought sounded funny, expressed concerns: “Sure, the waiting lists are shorter, but that’s because half the patients got so frustrated with the app they just decided to live with crippling pain instead. We’re counting that as a win!”
HEALTH INEQUALITY EXPERTS CONCERNED ABOUT DIGITAL DIVIDE, SHOCKED TO LEARN ELDERLY CAN’T OPERATE SMARTPHONES
Critics point out that technology-based healthcare might increase inequality, particularly for older patients and those without reliable internet access. In response, the NHS has proposed a brilliant solution: simply defining “health” as “the ability to download and operate a smartphone app.”
“If you can’t use the app, you’re technically not sick according to our new metrics,” explained NHS spokesperson Penny Pincher. “It’s genius really. We’ve eliminated both waiting lists AND patients in one fell swoop.”
The app’s AI reportedly uses sophisticated algorithms to determine if your back pain is legitimate or if you’re just being a little b!tch about it. In 73% of cases, it recommends “growing a pair” and “walking it off,” saving millions in treatment costs.
As the program prepares to roll out nationwide, physiotherapists are being retrained to perform essential healthcare roles like teaching grandparents how to download apps and explaining that no, shouting louder at your phone will not make the AI understand you better.
In conclusion, the NHS proudly announced that waiting lists for all medical services will soon be eliminated by simply replacing doctors with a magic 8-ball that responds “try yoga” to every health concern. God save the queen and your lumbar region.
