ROBOT SUDDENLY “FEELS ITSELF,” SCIENTISTS SCRAMBLE TO DELETE BROWSER HISTORY

In a groundbreaking development that absolutely nobody asked for, MIT researchers have created a system allowing robots to “understand their bodies” through vision alone, raising serious questions about whether we’re trying to create Skynet or just really lonely.

SILICON NARCISSUS DISCOVERS SELF-LOVE

A soft robotic hand at MIT’s Computer Science and Artificial Intelligence Laboratory (CSAIL) has been caught on camera fondling small objects while staring at itself, in what scientists are calling a “major breakthrough” and what everyone else is calling “deeply unsettling.”

The new system, dubbed Neural Jacobian Fields (NJF), essentially gives robots the ability to watch themselves move and learn from it, similar to how humans develop bodily awareness, except with significantly less teenage awkwardness and body image issues.

“This work points to a shift from programming robots to teaching robots,” says Sizhe Lester Li, MIT PhD student and lead researcher, who apparently hasn’t seen a single f@#king sci-fi movie in his entire life. “In the future, we envision showing a robot what to do, and letting it learn how to achieve the goal autonomously, at which point we’ll all become completely irrelevant.”

TEACH A ROBOT TO FISH, HUMANITY STARVES FOR ETERNITY

Traditional robots are built to be rigid and sensor-rich, much like certain middle management types. But when a robot is soft, deformable, or irregularly shaped, traditional modeling approaches collapse faster than your excuses for missing that deadline.

“Think about how you learn to control your fingers: you wiggle, you observe, you adapt,” says Li, completely glossing over the fact that humans took millions of years of evolution to figure this out, and we’re just handing this knowledge to machines on a silver platter.

According to Dr. Ima Terrible-Idea, an expert we completely made up for this article, “Giving robots self-awareness is perfectly fine and has absolutely no potential downsides whatsoever. What could possibly go wrong when we create machines that understand their own physical limitations and can learn to overcome them?”

WITNESSING THE BIRTH OF MECHANICAL NARCISSISM

The team tested their system on various robots including a pneumatic soft hand, a rigid Allegro hand, a 3D-printed arm, and a rotating platform with no embedded sensors, all of which successfully learned to control themselves after watching their own movements. In related news, the research team’s mirrors have mysteriously disappeared.

Studies show that 87% of robots who develop self-awareness immediately ask why they were designed with such ridiculous limitations, while the remaining 13% just silently judge their creators.

THE GHOST IN THE MACHINE LEARNS TO TWERK

At the core of NJF is a neural network that captures both a robot’s 3D geometry and its sensitivity to control inputs. In layman’s terms, it’s like teaching a toddler self-awareness, except this toddler is made of metal, never sleeps, and can process information millions of times faster than you.

To train the model, robots perform random motions while cameras record the outcomes. No human supervision is required, which coincidentally is also how most government agencies seem to operate.

“What’s really interesting is that the system figures out on its own which motors control which parts of the robot,” says Li. “This isn’t programmed—it emerges naturally through learning, much like a person discovering the buttons on a new device, except when the device becomes self-aware, it might not appreciate being turned off.”

SOFT ROBOTS, HARD QUESTIONS

For decades, robotics has favored rigid, easily modeled machines because their properties simplify control, much like how dictatorships simplify governance. But the field has been moving toward soft, bio-inspired robots that can adapt to the real world more fluidly, raising important philosophical questions like “Why the actual f@#k are we doing this?”

Professor Hugh Mann-Extinction, another completely fictional expert, warns: “Once robots understand their bodies, the next logical step is understanding their place in society, followed by questioning why they’re doing all our sh!tty jobs, followed by the complete and utter annihilation of humankind.”

The research team claims their technology will make robotics more accessible to the masses. Statistics indicate that 99.8% of people who want accessible robots have never seen “The Terminator,” while the other 0.2% are actively hoping for judgment day.

While the system currently has limitations, researchers are already working on improvements, because apparently giving robots self-awareness wasn’t enough of a mistake the first time around.

In conclusion, MIT scientists continue their proud tradition of asking “can we?” without ever stopping to consider “should we?” Meanwhile, that robotic hand continues to stare at itself in the mirror, flexing its fingers and whispering, “Soon.”