DESPERATE MAN PAYS ACTUAL MONEY TO HAVE ROBOT DELETE HIS D*CK PICS
Local iPhone owner Jerry Mumbles has become the first documented case of a human willingly paying currency to have a digital entity judge and remove his shameful content. The revolutionary app, called “PleaseDeleteMyShame,” uses what developers call “humiliation-based algorithms” to identify and eliminate photos no human should ever see.
ARTIFICIAL JUDGMENT SIMULATOR BECOMES WORLD’S FIRST DIGITAL THERAPIST
“The app immediately identified 4,279 low-quality photos on my phone, 4,278 of which were selfies I took at 3 AM after texting my ex,” explained Mumbles, visibly sweating. “The remaining photo was of my cat, but the algorithm said it was ‘compositionally offensive’ and ‘an insult to feline representation everywhere.'”
The app, priced at $4.99, promises to “ruthlessly eliminate digital evidence of your questionable life choices” while “maintaining just enough memories to prevent complete psychological breakdown.”
DESPERATE CONSUMERS FLOCK TO DIGITAL SHAME REMOVAL
Market research indicates 97.3% of iPhone users would “sacrifice their firstborn child” for more storage space, according to completely fabricated statistics from industry analyst Dr. Phyllis Myphone.
“What we’re seeing is a fundamental shift in consumer behavior,” explains tech psychologist Professor Storij Space. “People are now willing to pay for something they could do themselves for free if they weren’t such lazy sh!tbags.”
The app’s most popular feature identifies duplicate contacts, revealing that the average user has saved their food delivery guy’s number under seven different names including “Pizza Dude,” “Maybe Pizza?” and “DO NOT ANSWER (PIZZA GUY FROM LAST NIGHT).”
SILICONE VALLEY CELEBRATES ANOTHER “INNOVATION”
Tech industry observers note this represents a breakthrough in monetizing basic human incompetence.
“We’ve finally created something more profitable than selling actual products,” boasts company CEO Chad Moneygrabs. “We’re selling people the technological equivalent of having their mom clean their room, except now we can charge monthly for the privilege.”
Early user reviews have been surprisingly positive despite the app’s tendency to send passive-aggressive notifications like “Seriously? ANOTHER sunset photo? You’re not a photographer, Karen” and “I’ve seen your camera roll and I’m concerned about you.”
When reached for comment about privacy concerns, Moneygrabs laughed for approximately 47 seconds before responding: “Privacy? Is that still a f@#king thing people believe in? That’s adorable!”
THE FUTURE OF DIGITAL SELF-LOATHING
Industry analysts predict the next version will include a feature that analyzes text messages you wrote while drunk and calculates exactly how many friendships you’ve ruined.
At press time, Mumbles reported the app had finished its cleaning process but somehow left him with less storage than before after installing what it described as “essential personality improvement modules.”
