ROBLOX BRATS DEMAND 3D SEX DOLLS WITH NEW “OPEN SOURCE” TOOL; COMPANY FRANTICALLY CLAIMS IT’S FOR “EDUCATION”
In what critics are calling “puberty’s most dystopian moment since the invention of internet porn,” gaming platform Roblox has released an open-source AI system allowing its 85 million daily users—most of whom are literal children—to generate whatever 3D objects their hormone-addled brains can imagine with a simple text prompt.
THE INEVITABLE D!CK PARADE BEGINS
Company executives proudly demonstrated their new “Cube 3D” technology by generating wholesome objects like “motorcycles” and “playground equipment,” studiously avoiding acknowledging the f@#king obvious fact that within 14 seconds of public release, the system will be drowning in requests for anatomically impossible genitalia and cartoon character sex toys.
“This is about creativity and empowerment,” insisted Roblox CEO David Baszucki while a team of engineers frantically installed content filters behind him. “Just imagine what our users will create!” he added, visibly sweating as an intern whispered something in his ear that made him lose all color in his face.
CONTENT MODERATORS ALREADY UPDATING RESUMES
Internal sources reveal that Roblox’s content moderation team has already drafted resignation letters after witnessing the first wave of beta testing.
“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe,” whispered one traumatized moderator who requested anonymity. “Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of… wait, wrong reference. But seriously, I need therapy now.”
Dr. Ima Alarmist, child development expert at the University of Making Sh!t Up, warns that giving children god-like 3D creation powers might have consequences.
“We’re essentially handing nuclear launch codes to people who think eating Tide Pods is the height of sophistication,” she explained. “Studies show that approximately 98.7% of all user-generated content will either be phallic in nature or involve copyrighted characters doing unspeakable things to each other.”
ZOOM ALSO LOSING ITS MIND
Not to be outdone in the “what could possibly go wrong?” department, Zoom announced its AI Companion is now “agentic,” capable of identifying and completing tasks without human oversight.
“We’ve created an AI that can access your calendar, emails, and meeting transcripts, and make decisions for you,” explained Zoom CEO Eric Yuan from his newly constructed underground bunker. “It’s absolutely not the first step toward replacing you entirely, we promise!”
The company is charging $12 monthly for a “Custom AI Companion” that can follow you around the digital world like a lost puppy with borderline personality disorder.
GOOGLE LAUNCHES SATELLITE TO WATCH YOUR HOUSE BURN DOWN IN REAL-TIME
Meanwhile, Google has launched a satellite that can detect fires “as small as a classroom”—roughly the same size as the dumpster fire that was Google+. The company insists this technology is purely to help emergency services and definitely not to create a comprehensive heat map of where you barbecue, smoke weed, or engage in outdoor activities with consenting adults.
EXPERTS WARN OF IMPENDING IDIOCRACY
Professor Hates Technology from the Center for Why Everything is Terrible predicts these advances are just the beginning of humanity’s downward spiral.
“First we give children the power to create anything imaginable in 3D, then we let AI run our professional lives, and finally we launch satellites to watch us from space. I give it three months before we’re living in a world where digital assistants are attending our Zoom meetings while we spend all day making digital phalluses and watching our houses burn down from space.”
In related news, 73% of Roblox’s engineering team has reportedly taken extended “mental health leaves” effective immediately. When asked for comment, a company spokesperson just screamed wordlessly into the phone for approximately 45 seconds.
