SCIENTISTS WHO ACTUALLY F@#KING TALK TO EACH OTHER HAILED AS “REVOLUTIONARY BREAKTHROUGH”
In a move experts are calling “basic common sense that somehow took decades to figure out,” MIT and Mass General Brigham have launched a groundbreaking program to force their researchers to acknowledge each other’s existence.
THE REVOLUTIONARY CONCEPT OF PLACING SMART PEOPLE IN THE SAME ROOM
The MIT-MGB Seed Program, funded by Analog Devices Inc., aims to solve the apparently insurmountable challenge of getting nerds with PhDs to have a conversation with doctors about actual patients.
“We’ve discovered that when engineers who build stuff talk to doctors who treat people, magic happens,” explained Dr. Obvious Revelation, the program’s chief visionary officer. “It’s f@#king revolutionary. Next, we might try having them breathe oxygen.”
The program will fund approximately six joint projects annually, specifically targeting collaborations where MIT scientists finally learn what sick people look like and Mass General doctors discover that computers exist.
MILLIONS SPENT TO OVERCOME THE HARDSHIP OF TAKING THE RED LINE TWO STOPS
Despite being located roughly 1.2 miles apart in Cambridge, the institutions have historically maintained a rigorous policy of pretending the other doesn’t exist.
“Do you have ANY idea how difficult it is to travel between these campuses?” said Professor Warren Buffering, MIT’s liaison for the program. “You have to walk outside, maybe even get rained on. Some researchers have had to use Uber. THE HORROR.”
Mass General surgeon Dr. Cutty McStitches agreed: “I once tried to visit MIT but couldn’t figure out their building numbering system. I ended up wandering campus for seven years before being rescued by a kindly janitor.”
EXPERTS PREDICT 78% DECREASE IN USELESS SH!T NOBODY ASKED FOR
According to a completely fabricated study conducted by the program’s evaluation team, the collaboration is expected to reduce “completely pointless research nobody needs” by nearly four-fifths.
“Before this program, MIT was developing AI that could write Shakespearean sonnets about cat videos, while Mass General doctors were trying to cure diseases with leeches and good vibes,” explained statistical analyst Ms. Numbers Madeupton. “Now they might actually solve problems people give a sh!t about.”
ENTREPRENEURIAL WORKSHOPS WILL TEACH SCIENTISTS HOW TO SELL OUT PROPERLY
In addition to funding, teams selected for the program will have access to entrepreneurial workshops hosted by The Engine, MIT’s venture firm, where they’ll learn critical skills like “how to make PowerPoints with fewer than 47 slides” and “speaking to humans without making them fall asleep.”
“We’ll teach these brilliant minds how to transform their incomprehensible jargon into slightly less incomprehensible jargon that venture capitalists can pretend to understand,” explained startup coach Cash Grabber.
REVOLUTIONARY CONCEPT OF “LISTENING TO DOCTORS” STUNS ENGINEERING WORLD
MIT faculty lead Alex Shalek highlighted the innovative concept underlying the program: actually listening to the people who treat patients.
“It turns out doctors know things about medicine. Who knew?” Shalek said while visibly struggling with this revelation. “And apparently, they’ve been telling us what they need for decades, but we’ve been too busy building robot dogs and self-driving cars that crash into stationary objects.”
PROGRAM AIMS TO SLASH “TIME FROM DISCOVERY TO ACTUALLY HELPING ANYONE” FROM 47 YEARS TO 46.5
Critics have pointed out that healthcare innovations typically take longer than the average human lifespan to reach patients, but program officials are optimistic about shaving months off this timeline.
“By the time your grandchildren are elderly, they might benefit from the technologies we’re developing today,” said timeline specialist Dr. Eventually Maybeson. “That’s a 0.7% improvement over our current pace. You’re welcome, humanity.”
The MIT-MGB Seed Program’s first cohort of projects is expected to launch in fall 2025, or whenever the researchers can coordinate their schedules, which experts estimate has approximately the same probability as finding intelligent life on Mercury.
In related news, patients continue wondering why the hell it takes seventeen Ph.D.s, three institutions, and millions of dollars to figure out that their hospital gowns should probably close in the back.
