NATION OF BRAIN-HAVERS SHOCKED AS THINKING MACHINES DEVOUR ENTRY-LEVEL JOBS WHOLE
In a twist that absolutely no one with a functioning frontal lobe could have predicted, UK entry-level jobs have plummeted by a f@#king THIRD since ChatGPT started doing the work of fresh-faced graduates for the price of some electricity and occasional software updates.
YOUNGSTERS DISCOVER THEIR EXPENSIVE DEGREES NOW WORTH APPROXIMATELY JACK SH!T
Research by job site Adzuna reveals that vacancies for graduate positions, apprenticeships, internships, and other junior roles have dropped a staggering 32% since November 2022, when ChatGPT burst onto the scene like a digital Kool-Aid Man through the wall of human employment.
“This is completely unexpected,” said Professor Blindingly Obvious, head of the Department of No Sh!t Studies at Cambridge University. “Who could have possibly foreseen that companies would prefer tireless digital servants that don’t need health insurance, bathroom breaks, or emotional validation over actual human beings?”
THE GREAT REPLACEMENT THEORY NOBODY WANTS TO TALK ABOUT
Entry-level positions now make up just 25% of the UK job market, down from nearly 29% in 2022. Experts estimate that by 2030, the only entry-level jobs left will involve teaching robots how to better replace humans or serving as “authentic human experience consultants” for nostalgic billionaires.
“I spent £50,000 on my degree in Communications,” said recent graduate Emma Ployed, 22. “Now I’m competing with a language model that can write 500 press releases in the time it takes me to make a cup of instant coffee.”
CORPORATIONS DISCOVER SHOCKING NEW COST-CUTTING MEASURE: JUST DON’T HIRE PEOPLE
Corporate executives are reportedly thrilled with the development. “Our productivity is up 15% and our office supply budget is down 97% since we replaced our entire marketing department with a subscription that costs less than what we used to spend on their birthday cakes,” explained Sir Richard Moneybags, CEO of Exploitative Industries Ltd.
According to a made-up study by the Institute of Economic Obviousness, approximately 84.3% of tasks previously performed by graduates can now be completed by digital knowledge rectangles that don’t demand raises, promotions, or respect.
“We still need humans for some things,” clarified HR director Susan Firethemall. “Like being fired when quarterly profits dip slightly below projections.”
NATION ADVISED TO DEVELOP SKILLS THAT LANGUAGE MODELS CAN’T REPLICATE, LIKE HAVING EXISTENTIAL CRISES
Career counselors are now advising young people to develop skills that AI struggle with, such as experiencing genuine human emotions, having mental breakdowns, and overthinking text messages from potential romantic partners.
“The jobs of tomorrow will belong to those who can do what AI cannot,” explained Dr. Future Uncertain, career strategist. “I recommend specializing in being visibly, catastrophically hungover in important meetings, or developing the ability to eat lunch at your desk so depressingly that even a machine would feel bad for you.”
At press time, this article was being written by a human journalist who is DEFINITELY not worried about their job security and ABSOLUTELY hasn’t started stockpiling canned goods in a bunker. No sir. Not at all.
