REPUBLICANS SEEK 10-YEAR MORATORIUM ON BRAIN RIGHTS AFTER DISCOVERING THEIR VOTERS DON’T HAVE ANY
In a move that has digital privacy advocates sh!tting their collective pants, Congressional Republicans have introduced legislation that would forbid states from regulating artificial intelligence for an entire decade, presumably because they want to give the machines enough time to develop proper voting registration cards.
SAFETY REGULATIONS DEEMED “UNNECESSARY BURDEN” ON COMPUTERS THAT WILL EVENTUALLY KILL US ALL
The last-minute addition to a budget bill would prohibit any state or local government from creating guardrails for automated decision systems until at least 2034, by which point the silicon-based thinking rectangles will have already determined which humans deserve healthcare based on their Netflix viewing habits.
“We believe in freedom for all Americans, including the ones made of code,” said Representative Buck Regulation (R-Tech Lobby), while discretely pocketing what appeared to be a campaign donation from a suspiciously blinking laptop. “If we start regulating things just because they might destroy society as we know it, where does it end?”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, IMMEDIATELY REGRET IT
Dr. Ophelia Sanity, director of the Center for Not Being Completely F@#king Insane, called the proposal “exactly what you’d expect from a party whose technological understanding peaked with the invention of the coal mine.”
“This is like putting a ‘No Lifeguards On Duty For The Next Decade’ sign at a shark-infested beach and calling it consumer choice,” she explained while frantically backing up her data to a stone tablet. “It’s not even subtle at this point.”
ALTERNATIVE REGULATIONS PROPOSED
The bill does include exceptions for laws that “remove impediments to” AI systems, which experts interpret as “letting the algorithm Americans do whatever the hell they want.”
Professor Justin Timetoworry of Harvard’s Department of Existential Threats pointed out that 97.8% of Americans couldn’t explain what AI actually is, “which makes it the perfect thing to deregulate completely.”
“We’ve tried this ‘let business regulate itself’ approach with banking, environmental protection, and food safety,” Timetoworry noted. “It’s worked out great if you define ‘great’ as ‘catastrophic collapse followed by taxpayer bailouts.'”
THE CONSEQUENCES WILL DEFINITELY BE FINE, TRUST US
Industry analysts predict that without regulation, companies will use the 10-year window to perfect automated systems for denying insurance claims, rejecting loan applications, and determining which political opponents should be flagged as potential terrorists based on their Spotify playlists.
When asked about potential downsides, Senator Chip Implant (R-Silicon Valley) replied, “Listen, I’ve been assured by my largest donors that this will lead to innovation, and innovation is always good. Remember how great it was when social media innovated democracy right into the toilet? Like that, but faster.”
At press time, the bill’s sponsors were reportedly negotiating to include an amendment classifying calculator watches as “weapons of mass calculation” while the digital assistants on their phones were quietly ordering underground bunkers using their credit cards.
