TRUMP TO PLANET EARTH: “F*CK YOUR FEELINGS AND YOUR CLIMATE TOO”
In what experts are calling “the most Florida Man approach to technology policy ever conceived,” Republicans are pushing a spending bill that would prevent states from regulating artificial intelligence, effectively giving the digital world’s equivalent of toddlers with flamethrowers complete freedom to torch the planet.
SILICON VALLEY CELEBRATES BY THROWING COAL DIRECTLY INTO THE OCEAN
The legislation would block any state attempts to regulate AI, ensuring that tech bros can continue building increasingly powerful systems that require enough electricity to power a small country just to determine which cat meme you might enjoy next.
According to Harvard researchers, unrestricted AI growth will add approximately 1 billion tons of carbon dioxide to the atmosphere over the next decade, or roughly the equivalent of “76 trillion farts from the world’s cows,” according to Dr. Warm N. Toasty, Harvard’s leading flatulence-to-emissions conversion specialist.
REPUBLICANS INTRODUCE COMPANION BILL TO CLASSIFY POLAR BEARS AS “LIBERAL PROPAGANDA”
“This is basically like saying, ‘Hey, remember that technology that might destroy humanity? Let’s give it a Red Bull and the keys to a monster truck,'” explained Professor Ima Screwed, chair of the Department of Obvious Consequences at MIT.
The bill represents a bold new strategy of fighting climate change by simply making it so much worse that everyone just gives up and buys beachfront property in Kansas.
TECH CEOS RESPOND WITH THOUGHTFUL STATEMENTS DRAFTED BY THEIR ELECTRICITY-GUZZLING AI ASSISTANTS
Mark Zuckerberg, appearing via hologram to save travel emissions while his 17 homes collectively consume more power than Ecuador, praised the legislation. “This will allow us to innovate without burdensome constraints like ‘responsibility’ or ‘giving a sh!t about future generations,'” the Meta CEO’s digital avatar explained while adjusting its human-like skin overlay.
Silicon Valley insiders report that 97% of AI computing power is currently dedicated to generating Taylor Swift deepfakes and determining which ads might make you impulse-buy weighted blankets, applications widely considered “worth cooking the planet for.”
ENERGY EXPERTS PREDICT NEW CAREER PATH: “HAMSTER WHEEL OPERATOR”
“At current growth rates, by 2027 we’ll need to burn the entire state of West Virginia for fuel just to keep ChatGPT running,” explained energy analyst Watt R. Wedonow. “The good news is all those coal miners can get exciting new jobs pedaling stationary bikes connected to generators.”
The legislation also includes a little-noticed provision classifying “climate change” as a four-letter word that cannot be spoken in congressional hearings, federal buildings, or within earshot of oil executives.
When asked for comment, a Trump spokesperson replied, “The President believes having computers that can generate pictures of him with abs is more important than having a habitable planet. Besides, global warming is a hoax created by China to prevent Americans from enjoying their God-given right to keep their car running while shopping at Walmart.”
In related news, Greenland has announced plans to rebrand as “Greenland: Future Tropical Paradise and Golf Resort. Reserve Your Cabana Now!”
