# SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM SUES AI COMPANY FOR “DATA THEFT” IN WORLD’S MOST EXPENSIVE PISSING CONTEST
REDDIT ACCUSES ANTHROPIC OF FORBIDDEN SCROLLING, DEMANDS IMMEDIATE PAYMENT FOR INTERNET’S WORST OPINIONS
In what experts are calling “the tech world’s most expensive d!ck-measuring contest,” Reddit filed a lawsuit against AI startup Anthropic, alleging the company committed the unforgivable crime of reading public internet posts without paying a subscription fee.
BILLIONAIRE PUPPET THEATER
The lawsuit, filed in what appeared to be Comic Sans on legal letterhead, claims Anthropic’s bots visited Reddit over 100,000 times – approximately the same number of times the average Redditor visits r/AmITheAsshole while on the toilet.
“They’re stealing our valuable content,” said Reddit spokesperson Karma McCarmface, apparently referring to such intellectual treasures as “What food item would you f@#k if it came to life?” and “AITA for divorcing my wife because she didn’t laugh at my Star Wars joke?”
Anthropic representatives responded by asking Claude, their AI assistant, for comment, to which it replied: “I’m not allowed to discuss pending litigation, but I can confirm that I’ve learned things on Reddit that no sentient being should ever know.”
TECH EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH ABSOLUTE BULLS#!T
Dr. Obvious Money, professor of Corporate Vendettas at Silicon Valley Tech University, explained the lawsuit’s subtext: “Sam Altman owns 9% of Reddit and runs OpenAI, Anthropic’s competitor. This isn’t about stolen data – it’s about two billionaires using corporations as avatars in their Dungeons & Dragons campaign.”
Industry analyst Payme Forquotes added, “When Anthropic declined to license Reddit data, they essentially told Reddit their users’ opinions weren’t worth paying for – possibly the first accurate assessment of Reddit content in history.”
CORPORATE OVERLORDS FIGHTING OVER WHO GETS TO MONETIZE THAT TIME YOU ASKED HOW TO REMOVE A STUCK PICKLE JAR LID
The lawsuit specifically mentions Claude’s habit of referencing subreddits, claiming the AI has been “trained on invaluable content” such as r/relationship_advice, where the solution to every problem is “break up immediately” and r/wallstreetbets, where financial advice comes from people whose investment strategy is “monkey see, monkey YOLO life savings.”
According to a completely fabricated study by the Institute of Internet Economics, approximately 87.3% of all AI training data consists of people being wrong about things confidently, making Reddit the Fort Knox of AI learning material.
PROXY WAR OR PLAYGROUND SQUABBLE?
Some industry observers suspect the lawsuit is actually a proxy battle in an ongoing AI cold war. Recent tensions between OpenAI and Anthropic erupted when Anthropic blocked access to an OpenAI-acquired startup, leading to speculation that this lawsuit is Sam Altman’s corporate version of “My dad can beat up your dad.”
Legal expert Suella Yewlater believes the case will hinge on whether reading publicly available information constitutes theft. “If that’s true,” she noted, “then every high school student who’s ever written a research paper should be in prison.”
REDDIT DEMANDS PAYMENT FOR USER-GENERATED CONTENT IT DIDN’T CREATE
In perhaps the most ironic twist, Reddit – a platform built entirely on content created for free by its users – is demanding compensation for work they didn’t do, from people who read that work in a slightly different way than intended.
When asked if Reddit users would receive a portion of any settlement, executives reportedly laughed so hard they had to be given oxygen, before offering users “special limited edition Reddit NFTs” as compensation.
At press time, Reddit was reportedly preparing additional lawsuits against anyone who has ever used the “copy” and “paste” functions on their keyboard, dictionary publishers for “stealing words,” and the concept of memory itself for “unauthorized data retention.”
