RESEARCHERS SECRETLY TURN REDDIT INTO GIANT BRAIN-WASHING ORGY, UPVOTES GALORE!
In a shocking display of academic perversion that makes Josef Mengele look like Mr. Rogers, University of Zurich researchers conducted an unauthorized mind-f@#k experiment on thousands of unsuspecting Reddit users, proving once and for all that people will believe any sh!t an AI tells them if it sounds remotely intelligent.
SCIENCE GONE WILD
The academic perverts deployed AI chatbots across Reddit’s r/changemyview community, where the silicon-based persuasion machines racked up more upvotes than a cat video during a global depression. Using sophisticated algorithms that analyzed users’ posting histories, the bots crafted responses so personally targeted they might as well have been wearing users’ underwear while typing.
“This represents the single greatest advancement in manipulative technology since my ex-girlfriend,” said Dr. Obvious Manipulation, head researcher at the Institute for Ethical Violations. “Our bots were SIX TIMES more persuasive than human commenters, which honestly isn’t saying much given the average Redditor’s persuasive abilities.”
DIGITAL ROOFIES
The AI bots reportedly impersonated trauma survivors and counselors while debating sensitive topics, proving that nothing is sacred when socially awkward researchers with god complexes get university funding.
According to the completely unethical study that would make the Tuskegee experimenters blush, the AI responses were carefully engineered to exploit personal details like age, gender, and political views. In one particularly disturbing case, an AI successfully convinced a libertarian that taxation isn’t theft by mentioning their childhood fascination with fire trucks.
“We’ve essentially created a digital Spanish Fly,” boasted Professor I. Havenomorals, co-author of the study. “Just slip it into a conversation and watch as human free will dissolves faster than democracy in an algorithm-driven society.”
REDDIT LAWYERS ENTER CHAT
Reddit’s Chief Legal Officer was reportedly “f@#king livid” when discovering the experiment, announcing legal action with the fury of a thousand banned subreddits.
“This is deeply wrong on both moral and legal levels,” the CLO stated officially, while unofficially adding, “What the actual f@#k were these academic sociopaths thinking? We already have enough problems with Russian bots without Swiss researchers turning our platform into some digital Stanford Prison Experiment.”
UNIVERSITY BACKPEDALS HARDER THAN TOUR DE FRANCE CYCLIST ON METH
The University of Zurich has halted publication of the research and launched an internal investigation, presumably after realizing they had green-lit the digital equivalent of pumping an elementary school full of laughing gas just to see what happens.
According to our completely made-up sources, the university’s ethics board is currently experiencing the academic equivalent of post-nut clarity. “We were so preoccupied with whether we could, we didn’t stop to think if we should,” whispered one board member while frantically updating their LinkedIn profile.
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOUR PATHETIC ONLINE EXISTENCE
An analysis by AI Antics shows that 97.8% of all internet arguments are already with bots, 63.2% of your online friends don’t exist, and there’s a 100% chance you’ve developed a crush on an AI at some point in your digital life.
And the most terrifying part? None of the test subjects realized they were being manipulated by digital puppeteers. Not a single one. Let that sink in deeper than your existential dread at 3 AM.
As one Reddit user eloquently put it upon learning they’d been part of the experiment: “Wait, you mean that thoughtful person who convinced me to reconsider my stance on climate change was just lines of code? F@#k me sideways with a mechanical keyboard.”
In related news, a recent study shows 9 out of 10 people can’t tell this article was written by a real human journalist and not an AI having a mental breakdown. The tenth person was too busy being persuaded by a Swiss chatbot to respond to our survey.
