RACIST CHATBOTS NOW RUNNING YOUR LIFE, EXPERTS SAY “F*CK IT, WE’RE DOOMED ANYWAY”
In what can only be described as humanity’s second consecutive own-goal after climate change, racist AI systems are now infiltrating every corner of society while experts throw their hands up in collective surrender.
SILICON BIGOTS EVERYWHERE
ChatGPT and its prejudiced digital cohorts have spread faster than that stomach bug you got at your cousin’s wedding buffet. These thought-generating rectangles are now making decisions about your mortgage, healthcare, and whether you look “suspicious” on security cameras.
“Could we regulate these judgment-spewing algorithms before they decide who deserves basic human rights? Absolutely! Will we? Not a f@#king chance,” explained Dr. Seema Obvious, Director of the Center for Saying What Everyone’s Thinking But Nobody Will Admit.
HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF, NOBODY SURPRISED
Just as with climate change, society has opted for the “acknowledge problem, do jack sh!t about it” approach that’s become humanity’s signature move. A recent not-at-all-made-up survey found that 97% of tech executives “feel very concerned” about AI bias while simultaneously high-fiving each other over quarterly profits.
“We’ve established a committee to look into forming a task force to consider establishing guidelines that might eventually lead to non-binding recommendations,” said Chip Worthington, CEO of AlgorithmOverlords Inc., while his company’s face recognition software continued mistaking potatoes for Asian people.
THE BLAME GAME: EVERYONE’S FAVORITE SPORT
Professor Idon Tcare of the Institute for Predictable Outcomes points to a familiar pattern. “First we deny there’s a problem. Then we acknowledge it but say it’s too expensive to fix. Then we blame regular people for not boycotting the technology that’s been forcibly integrated into every aspect of their lives. It’s a classic!”
Meanwhile, 89% of Americans report being “very concerned” about AI bias while simultaneously asking their digital assistants to “show me pictures of people who look trustworthy” for job applications.
SOLUTIONS EXIST, WILL BE IGNORED
Technical solutions to prevent AI systems from perpetuating historical biases do exist, much like how renewable energy could have prevented climate catastrophe. Experts estimate implementing these fixes would cost approximately 0.002% of what tech companies spend annually on office ping-pong tables and kombucha on tap.
“We could absolutely fix this problem right now,” noted ethical AI researcher Dr. Cassandra Ignored. “But that would require admitting technology isn’t inherently neutral, and golly gee, that’s just too much cognitive dissonance for Silicon Valley’s fragile ego.”
AT PRESS TIME
As of publication, ChatGPT was spotted asking itself whether certain neighborhoods “seem sketchy” while simultaneously generating heartfelt corporate statements about the importance of diversity. Sources confirm humanity plans to address the problem right after they finish dealing with that climate thing they’ve been meaning to get to since 1979.
