Incredible Breakthrough: Scientists Confirm Python Secretly a Language of the Gods, Demands Sacrifices of Coffee and Debugging

In a shocking yet somehow entirely unsurprising revelation, experts from the Institute of Great Mysteries have declared Python not just a high-level, flexible programming language, but a celestial tongue spoken exclusively by the gods during coffee breaks and heavenly debugging sessions. Beloved by both tech demigods and sacrificial lambs (otherwise known as “developers”), Python has been lauded for its extensive ecosystem and uncanny ability to infiltrate every project ever attempted after 2 a.m.

According to Professor Byte Typo, an authoritative figure in the cult of programming languages, Python’s true identity has been an open secret since the dawn of its creation by Guido van Rossum, who is now openly recognized as the demigod of duct-taped solutions. “Our research indicates that Python commands an army of coders who blindly follow its ‘readability counts’ mantra,” said Professor Typo through exhausted sputters. “It’s a divine directive to ensure all code written on earth resembles knock-off ancient scripts left deliberately ambiguous to challenge our intellect and sanity.”

The journey towards god-tier Python proficiency begins at one of the hallowed ten shrines known as ‘platforms.’ Each platform promises enlightenment, despite frequent footnotes indicating Python’s ritual errors and an obligatory donation of free time.

“The truth is, Python isn’t learned; it’s absorbed,” explained the digital oracle Byte Overload from esteemed tech utopia Stack Overflow. “We provide a litany of cryptic errors that serve as tests of faith. Only those who embrace frustration and cursing—understood by the Python gods as ‘prayers’—can achieve true coding nirvana.”

Sacrificial rituals typically involve offerings of energy drinks and faint traces of hope while chanting mantras like ‘import this’ or ‘everything is an object’ – except for my coffee mug, it’s empty, and it’s ‘NoneType’ again.

One unnamed neophyte coder, slumped over a lightning-strike keyboard, remarked, “I thought I was just learning to code. I had no idea I was pledging allegiance to Python’s holy army. Perhaps this explains why every time I think I’ve solved a bug, another three rise in its place.”

As efforts to translate Python’s divine messages continue, coders worldwide are urged to keep their coffee flowing and to remain vigilant of errors as either divine mysteries or the Python gods simply struggling with their notoriously unhelpful variable names. Long may the debugging reign supreme.