PRIME MINISTER ANNOUNCES PLAN TO REPLACE DOCTORS WITH SIRI AFTER DISCOVERING WHAT “AI” STANDS FOR
In a move that has shocked absolutely nobody who’s ever waited 18 months for a GP appointment, Prime Minister Keir Starmer announced plans to abolish NHS England and replace it with what he’s calling “democratic control,” which experts confirm is political-speak for “we’ll f@#k it up ourselves, thank you very much.”
BUREAUCRACY GETS THE BOOT; SOMEHOW EXPECTED TO IMPROVE THINGS
Speaking to a room full of journalists desperately trying not to roll their eyes, Starmer declared that an “arm’s-length body” shouldn’t be making decisions about billions in taxpayer money. Instead, those decisions will now be made by politicians who think a paracetamol and a Lemsip constitute comprehensive healthcare.
“We’re cutting bureaucracy,” Starmer announced, while simultaneously creating three new committees to oversee the transition. “This will deliver better patient care,” he added, as a nurse in the back of the room laughed so hard she herniated a disc, then joined the waiting list for surgery in 2028.
COMPUTERS TO REPLACE HUMANS BECAUSE THEY COMPLAIN LESS
The real bombshell came when Starmer revealed his master plan to introduce artificial intelligence across government departments, promising an eye-watering £45bn in “efficiency savings.”
“We’ve discovered this amazing new technology,” Starmer explained with the excitement of someone who just figured out how to use the self-checkout. “It’s called ‘AI’ and apparently it can do everything humans can do but without requiring lunch breaks or pensions.”
Dr. Chips McProcessor, leading expert in Making Sh!t Up Technologies, praised the move: “Government efficiency and AI go together like hemorrhoids and sandpaper. What could possibly go wrong when you replace human judgment with algorithms designed by the lowest bidder?”
PATIENT TESTIMONIALS ALREADY POURING IN
Early trials of the AI-assisted healthcare system have yielded promising results, according to absolutely nobody.
“I told the computer I was having chest pains, and it recommended I restart my heart and then shut down for 30 seconds,” said Malcolm Peters, 64, from his hospital bed. “When that didn’t work, it asked if I’d tried turning my cardiovascular system off and on again.”
BUDGET CUTS DISGUISED AS INNOVATION
Financial expert Penny Pincher explained the real motivation behind the move: “This government has discovered that computers don’t join unions, don’t go on strike, and can’t write angry letters to The Guardian. It’s brilliant when you think about it.”
Sources inside Downing Street confirm the Prime Minister has already begun practicing phrases like “the algorithm made me do it” and “I’m sorry, I can’t do that, Dave” for future press conferences about NHS waiting times.
WHAT’S NEXT?
The government has already prepared a follow-up plan if this initiative proves successful. “Phase two involves replacing Members of Parliament with ChatGPT,” revealed senior advisor Ida Notexist. “Early tests show it produces almost identical amounts of hot air but costs significantly less in expenses.”
When asked how patients would benefit from these changes, Starmer looked confused before his aide whispered something in his ear. “Oh right, them,” he nodded. “Well, they can always try turning themselves off and on again.”
